breaking down the nba like craig sager's suits: colorfully

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Sager Points: Week 1

Your weekly ranking of NBA teams are done by Sager Points, which involves a complex formula that would put the BCS to shame. In addition to the total points and a brief description, we will also have a guest share their thoughts on each team every week. In honor of his movie coming out on November 3rd, Borat will be our very first special guest.

Here is week one:

1) Miami Heat: 830,001
The Heat are coming off a world (NBA?) championship, and God damn it, that means they’re number one. The decision to waive Vincent Grier off their roster almost dropped the Heat below the Mavs, but we just couldn’t drop them to number two.

Borat says: Hello? How you type this thing? I do not understand computer, in my country we have morse code.

2) Dallas Mavericks: 750,549
Though the Mavericks lost the NBA finals to the Heat, we fully expect them to recover. Any team with Dirk and Steve Nash can recover quickly. Wait, they don’t have Nash? They’re fucked.

Borat says: I write out English letters on keyboard? OK I ready! Erick Dampier remind me much of myself. He like to sit on bench and eat burger.

3) San Antonio Spurs: 730,802
Francisco Elson: the free agent signing that will rule them all.

Borat says: I do not understand Tony Parker when he talks. I too busy thinking about crepes.

4) Detroit Pistons: 701,411
They lose Big Ben, but locking him up long-term would have destroyed this team down the road. The Pistons might be an even better team offensively this year, and while Nazr Mohammed is a step down, their bench is just a little bit deeper -- that’ll pay dividends down the road.

Borat says: Rip Hamilton wear very scary mask. I once put mask on scarecrow to scare Jews away from my house, it not work very well.

5) Chicago Bulls: 681,999
They gain Big Ben and dump Chandler -- a move we’d take any day of the week. With Hinrich auditioning for max dollars, the Bulls will get the most out of him at a good time. Except for the fact, you know, they’ll have to give him that money if he does well.

Borat says: Kirk Hinrich remind me of when I was boy. I pasty white and look like elf, but then I grow mustache.

6) Phoenix Suns: 620,512
Fine, Amare’s back, but let’s see him last a full season. He’d be wise to wait a few more months and wait out the knee pain, especially since he has his contract extension already. They’re a sexy pick to win it all, but again, I don’t see them doing it without Amare.

Borat says: Steve Nash nice guy on that commercial I see on TNT, I like him lots! Back to back MP3 mean he special!

7) Cleveland Cavaliers: 511,501
The truth is that LeBron LeBron LeBron, LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron. So we think LeBron LeBron LeBron. If LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron, then LeBron.

Borat says: Zydrunas from Lithuania, close to Kazakhstan! He lead Cavaliers to championship!

8) Los Angeles Clippers: 499,115
Sam Cassell and Chris Kaman give the Clippers the ugliest team in the NBA, but it’s the buckets scored that count, not how much you vomit when you see Kaman’s nappy ass hair on TV.

Borat says: Donald Sterling like Kazakh apartment owner, he kick out Jews from apartments!

9) New Jersey Nets: 430,585
Kidd, Vince, and RJ should be enough to help the Nets win the division, but if Toronto or Boston get hot down the stretch, they might shock someone. Maybe. Possibly. Eh, we’ll take the Nets.

Borat says: New Jersey remind me of Kazakh city Pavlodar. Gray skies, bad water, ugly women.

10) Denver Nuggets: 390,875
The Nuggets are the Smith capital of the world with J.R. and Joe, but this year rides on a lot of “if’s.” If Kenyon Martin doesn’t be a bitch. If the Nuggets finally solve their shooting guard woes with J.R. Smith. If Marcus Camby doesn’t go down for eight weeks with a lacerated nipple.

Borat says: One time I eat Kazakh style meal with Earl Boykins, but he decide not to eat delicacy of fried fertilizer with side of potatos! No appetite!

11) Sacramento Kings 374,202
We know Bibby’s hurt, and a three game road trip to start the season isn’t fun, but the Kings are pretty stacked in every position. Eric Musselman may drink in excess, but he’s a hell of a coach.

Borat says: I am told it is called Cowtown. In my country all towns are nicknamed Cowtown.

12) Los Angeles Lakers: 320,385
We know Kobe’s also hurt, but it might be only for one or two games. Phoenix would probably beat the Lakers anyway, but their next five games are against Golden State, Seattle, Seattle again, Minnesota, and Portland. That’s enough time for Kobe to put up 400 points and get the Lakers back up to 5-1.

Borat says: If Kobe touch me in bad place, why complain, he rich and famous!

13) Washington Wizards: 311,126
Gilbert Arenas is fucking crazy. Not Jim-Carrey-as-Riddler-in-Batman-Forever crazy, but Jack-Nicholson-in-The-Shining crazy.

Borat says: I once was fan of Wizards but Popeye Jones leave for ugliest man alive competition.

14) New Orleans Hornets: 282,731
This team goes as CP3 goes. Peja’s 2/10 nights will start pissing off Hornets fans soon, though.

Borat says: Hilton Armstrong have neck like giraffe. Chris Paul have legs of grasshopper.

15) Houston Rockets: 260,132
Yao Ming and T-Mac are healthy. For now. They could drop to 28th by the time this season is over.

Borat says: I once see video of Mutombo shaking his finger after block shot. That make me never want to shoot basketball.

16) Utah Jazz: 243,298
Opening week could be the only week of the season that the Jazz are healthy. Because of that, they should have a good week and get people's hopes up before Kirilekno and Boozer miss their annual month.

Borat says: We say AK47 is step-child in Kazakhstan, we have to like only because he is somewhat related to us and we have no one else to root for.

17) Orlando Magic: 184,593
And so begins Dwight Howard's year long journey to becoming the best big man in the league. Two non playoff teams, followed by a great match up against the Spurs and Tim Duncan. Don't be shocked if they start 3-0.

Borat says: In my country, asking for a “Darko” gets you beheaded.

18) Indiana Pacers: 140,593
As long as they keep the distractions to a minimum, they should get off to a good start. That means you can’t go punch Rick Carlisle in the face, Sarunas Jasikevicius.

Borat says: Stephen Jackson arrested for shooting gun at bad guy? In my country he get key to city!

19) Memphis Grizzlies: 120,492
With Pau Gasol out, the Grizzlies will look to Rudy Gay to help carry the load somewhat on offense. Anyone who saw him play at UConn knows this is a bad start for a team that is on the decline with Jerry West on his way out.

Borat says: Gay? No I cannot talk about this one it is forbidden in my country.

20) Golden State Warriors: 105,932
Don Nelson! Don Nelson’s coaching! Wait, twenty other teams have small ball lineups too? Ah well, 35 wins it is.

Borat says: I hear Patrick O’Bryant makes fantastic cakes. Is it possible to have him make me one or will he be busy sitting on bench?

21) Milwaukee Bucks: 102,190
Bucks: Andrew Bogut is hurt, Villanueva is struggling, Bobby Simmons hasn't lived up to expectations. This list goes on and on, but at least they're guaranteed to score 25 points with Michael Redd every night!

Borat says: What happen to Villanueva’s head? What is this alopecia? I think I get that from prostitute last year, so how come I still have hair then?

22) Minnesota Timberwolves: 89,010
Sadly, the Timberwolves could be down here for awhile. Maybe it’s time to move KG and get what you can for him. Or try to make a playoff run and watch his trade value diminish!

Borat says: Mark Madsen dance like me, except less sexy when he doe sit.

23) Toronto Raptors: 85,932
Mike James is out of there, but the Raptors pick up a more pure point guard in T.J. Ford. If he stays healthy, then this team could be Bryan Colangelo’s newest playoff team.

Borat says: Canada is much like Kazakhstan. Like Canada to USA, we are Russia’s bitch too.

24) Boston Celtics: 79,312
The Celtics have a great young backcourt, but they have a sketchy young frontcourt. This team needs some time to develop, but Paul Pierce isn’t around forever.

Borat says: Tell Brian Scalabrine please never come back to Kazakhstan, they think redhair man is devil.

25) Philadelphia 76ers: 60,090
A.I. and Chris Webber combine to score 60 points each night, but they need 80 shots to do it. This is why they will lose 45 games again this year.

Borat says: Iverson is big, big, big in Kazakhstan! All Kazakh people think he is 30 feet tall because he is on billboard.

26) Seattle Supersonics: 30,583
Never have I seen a team look so discombobulated on the court. Immediately after tipoff, Ray Allen’s trying to score, Rashard Lewis is trying to dunk, and Earl Watson and Luke Ridnour are fighting over who’s the real point guard. They’re a fun team to play against for sure though, because you’ll win 115-100 every night.

Borat says: Danny Fortson once shake my hand and introduce himself. NBA suspend him for one game for flagrant foul.

27) New York Knicks: 10,182
Poor Isiah -- he only has 8 months left until James Dolan fires him for Larry Brown.

Borat says: I go to Madison Square Garden once and sit very close. The cheerleaders would not take money to come home with me!

28) Portland Trail Blazers: 2
This team will never go anywhere with Zach Randolph starting, we mean it. Give Brandon Roy the ball 80 times a night, that would be much more interesting. They’d only lose by 40 this way.

Borat says: Headquarters of Nike shoes near Portland basketball team, yes? That is similar to big Kazakh company that sells fried rooster only kilometers from our professional cockfighting team!

29) Atlanta Hawks: -843
Speedy Claxton is a good ballplayer. But he should never, in any circumstances, be the starting point guard on any team. Unless you’re the Hawks and have to start him by default. Seriously, how many other teams in the league have had point guard woes for as long as the Hawks have?

Borat says: Josh Childress have crazy hair! I try growing hair out like that to match mustache, but I only end up with mullet.

30) Charlotte Bobcats: -1,509
We called out a few guys who performed well in the pre-season that you shouldn’t get excited about. Well we want to say that Adam Morrison shooting 36% in 8 pre-season games is no big deal, and maybe it isn’t, but we don’t want to hear “bust” for a few years, alright?

Borat says: Adam Morrison and I share very good mustaches. I wonder if he like me. I attract all good prostitutes .

Monday, October 30, 2006

Fight the Hype

The Brian Chases of the world get to see 20 minutes in the pre-season, while the Derek Fishers sit and chill and rest those creaky knees. It's also the best time of the year for younger guys who are trying to move up the depth chart. Sometimes those guys play in over their heads and score 20 points, but half the time it's against a team that doesn't have any of its top eight players. Here are some guys who performed well in the pre-season that you probably shouldn’t get all that excited about.

Sebastian Telfair, PG, Celtics:
Bassy averaged 15 points, 4.1 assists, and 1.63 steals in 8 games this pre-season. Not only that, but his field goal percentage was 53.6%, and he shot 61.5% on three pointers. In two years with the Blazers, Telfair shot a career 39.4% from the field and 32% from long distance. We'd like to think that he's turned the corner, mainly so the Celtics fans we know won't run around screaming like Manny Ramirez just broke a toenail and is out for the year. But it's hard to believe that Telfair has made "the jump" in just eight pre-season games while playing against the Knicks and Raptors in half of 'em.

Marcus Williams, PG, Nets:
Oh, we think Williams is going to be a star one day and that teams will regret letting him drop, but it's not gonna happen this year with Jason Kidd starting ahead of him. Williams averaged 16 points and 7 assists in six pre-season games, but the guy did average 3.5 turnovers a game. He's going to lead a basketball team down the line, but Williams is as likely to have a breakout rookie season as 'Til Death is likely to make a second season. Oh, hey, we still like Brad Garrett!

Jason Maxiell, SF body, but PF game, Pistons:
In the post-Ben Wallace era, they call Maxiell “Ben Lite.” 16 points, 6 rebounds, and a whopping 1.1 blocks in eight pre-season games makes him fun to watch against second stringers, but Elton Brand would have a field day scoring on and defending Maxiell in the regular season. A tweener frame of 6’7” and 260 is just fine at the University of Cincinnati, but the only thing we think he’ll have in common with Wallace this season is his low free throw percentage.

Nene, PF, Nuggets:
We don’t like Nene; we think he’s a prick because he thinks he’s so big that he can drop “Hilario” from his name. And just because he averages 9.2 points and 6.4 rebounds a game this pre-season doesn’t mean he’s going to break out and have a big year. Everyone keeps expecting Nene to start putting up Amare Stoudemire numbers, but when not tearing his ACL on the first day of the season, he’s only putting up 12 and 6. Don’t get us wrong, we’d take 12/6 from our backup big guy, but don’t get suckered into giving up too much for this guy in your fantasy league.

Ime Udoka, G/F, Blazers:
This is a nice story. Udoka has played only twelve games in two NBA seasons, and yet he made the Blazers’ opening day squad as a late addition to the pre-season roster. In five games, he averaged 12.2 points, 3.2 rebounds, 2.6 assists, and 2.4 steals. But even the Knicks dumped him last season -- the Knicks. The Blazers love Udoka’s perimeter defense and have even flirted with the idea of starting him at shooting guard, but it's hard to believe he's going to stun the world in the regular season.

Anthony Roberson and Dajuan Wagner, SG, Warriors
Roberson shot 53% and averaged 15.3 points, and Dajuan Wagner averaged 13.4 points on 47.9% from the field. That’s cool and all, but we’re talking about the Warriors here. I think John Starks led them in scoring not too long ago.

Wagner, the fourth shooting guard on the depth chart, hasn’t shot well since he left high school. Even at Memphis, Wagner shot only 41% from the field. We want to see him light it up before we’re convinced that he can live up to being selected #6 overall.

Roberson is never going to get shot attempts behind Richardson, Ellis, Pietrus, and Wagner. When you’re the fifth shooting guard on the depth chart on a team that hasn’t made the playoffs since Bob Dole had two arms, it’s not going to happen. Hey, free airfare!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

6 Digit Love for Yi

Chinese baller Yi Jianlian is somewhere between 18 and 44 years of age, but he's a lock for a top ten pick in the 2007 NBA Draft if he decides to stay in. In China, where they breed basketball players like Kazakhstan breeds reporters, Yi is one of the most popular names in the sport behind Yao Ming and David Hasselhoff. However, in one very, very rich girl's heart, Yi is number one. As sweet as that may sound, what follows will probably just piss you off. According to SINA, a girl from Beijing purchased the domain for $165,000 USD.

We don't want to criticize the financial decisions made by people we don't know -- as crazy as they might be. But we certainly would have offered alternative and cheaper suggestions for domain names. For just a few bucks a year, this girl could have selected between,, or something simple like

Oh yeah, just so you know, we translated the page using Babelfish on AltaVista. Our favorite translated quote from the article is as follows:

Once turns on the phonograph, Yi Chienlien is the very good conversation object. "I specially want to go to Hawaii, the seashore feeling very well, blue sky sea that kind of feeling relaxes very much, fishes to the abysmal region specially is definitely crisp!"

To end on a serious note, if any of you bastards register the domain, we're coming after you and will send you to the abysmal region.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Hoopshype Insight 10/25

In case some of ya'll have been wondering where I've been - I recommend you try to create those whack suits Craig wears and see how much free time you have. I did, however, have the time to think of the name for this feature, but Savant must have forgotten to mention that...

New York Knickerbockers President of Basketball Operations and Head Coach Isiah Thomas announced today that the team has signed free agent center Kelvin Cato to a contract. As per club policy, terms of the deal were not announced.

Never understimate the amount of crappy big men Isiah wants on his team. Apparently Jerome James isn't getting the job done, although that's hard to because Isiah was sold on this guy. Oh wait, this is a seven footer who averaged less than four boards and had one good playoff series - it's not a surprise at all. Thanks for the blogging material Isiah, we owe most of our success to you.

What do you think Nelson's trying to tell you by showing you Nash and Bibby tape? BARON DAVIS: For me, it's the little things to help me improve as a player.

Hate to break this to you Baron, but that's not it. The Nash footage is a subliminal message to pass the freaking ball, and the Bibby footage is trying to get you to pick up on shooting straight up instead of falling back so much. Safe to say this didn't work.

"He just hasn't made a difference," Coach Hill said referring to Chris Wilcox in what seems to be the first public acknowledgment Wilcox' play has been disappointing this off season.

Really? This is another shocker. A guy whose only good play came when he was up for a contract extension. His apathy towards basketball isn't too surprising, because he's been disappointing since he set foot in Los Angeles from Maryland. Hate to tell you this Seattle, but you've been had.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

HoopsHype Insight - 10/24

Today begins a new era here at DCSS, not just because Paul Shirley was cut by a world record eighteenth team, but because a weekdaily (hey, if Mark Cuban can make up words, so can we) feature is about to begin.

Every day, one of your respective Sager Hosts will be taking a few articles from the awesome HoopsHype NBA Rumors page and providing commentary. Here is the Tuesday, October 24th edition.

  • Rockets head coach Jeff Van Gundy is a former protégé, with many of the same characteristics, of the Heat's Pat Riley. "Both teams are very similar," said Yao Ming. "They both have an inside player and an outside player, a great shooter on the perimeter. What they have on us right now is experience and decision-making.

  • Yao Ming's toe infection may have spread to his brain, because comparing his Rockets to the Heat is like Stephen Baldwin comparing himself to Alec Baldwin. Yao is right in that the Rockets and Heat have great centers and backcourt scoring machines, but the comparisons end there. The Rockets were a sexy pick to make a deep playoff run around this time last year, but they flopped harder than Vlade Divac with Spud Webb coming down the lane. Their offense tanked once Yao and T-Mac missed a bunch of games with injuries, and it wouldn't be a surprise to see one or both of them do it again this year. The Heat? Yeah, they kind of won the NBA Championship. Same thing though, right?

  • [Mark] Price said [Shane] Heal wanted [Todd] Fuller axed from the day the Australian Olympian arrived at the club, telling Price he was not suited to the league. Fuller was cut yesterday as part of the Dragons purge which also claimed Price after a 0-5 start to the club's life in the NBL.

  • It sucks to be Mark Price, but an 0-5 start combined with fighting with your team's best player (and a four-time Olympian for Australia) is bound to get you fired. It sucks just a little bit harder to be Todd Fuller, one of the biggest duds in NBA Draft history. The 31 year old Fuller, who suckered the Warriors into taking him with the 11th overall pick in the 1996 Draft, was actually putting up good numbers for the Dragons before getting released. You know the team is now in trouble when they practically beg for a big man on their website:

    "Todd Fuller, one of the two Dragon’s American imports, has been released, and the club is currently searching for a replacement player."

  • It has been indicated either Michael Olowokandi, Luke Jackson or Allan Ray will have to go. But coach Doc Rivers reiterated yesterday it would be tough to let go of a veteran big man with Theo Ratliff still out (back strain). Ray, an impressive shooter who also might fit into the point guard rotation, is one they’d like to keep. Jackson is a good shooter in a crowded field.

  • We've heard from the Celtics how much they love Ray and his shooting, but he's kinda shooting 25.8% from the field in seven pre-season games... When Kobe averages more points per game in the regular season than you shoot from the field, your chances aren't that hot. The Kandi man is always going to have a job because he's seven feet tall, but he's as awful as big men come. And Luke Jackson -- ugh. How does a shooter have a career average of 34.8%?

    Keeping Kandi might make some sense, as Kendrick Perkins would otherwise be the only healthy center on Boston's opening day roster. However, there's no room for Ray and Jackson on the roster, and there's the tiny fact that they're both unfit for the NBA game. If we were Danny Ainge, we'd have a gladiator-style fight between Ray and Jackson, and then promptly waive the one player who remained alive. That would be good drama right there.

    Monday, October 23, 2006

    Eric Musselman Drinking Scale

    Another misdemeanor charge sent shockwaves through the NBA this weekend, as Kings coach Eric Musselman was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. At 2:15 in the morning, Musselman was pulled over after making a right turn from a left-hand lane -- give him credit, that's hard to do even when sober -- while cutting off a car in the process. Musselhead-- excuse us, Musselman was clocked at 0.11 percent (the legal limit of blood alcohol content (BAC) in the state of California is 0.08 percent) which was good enough to earn a free trip to Sacramento County Main Jail. According to the DMV's official website for a guy who's about 5'7" and 150 pounds (we were probably generous on both counts), two drinks per hour will put you at 0.08 percent BAC.

    Using anonymous sources familiar with the situation, eight impatient bank tellers, and three raccoons eating trash, we created the Eric Musselman Drinking Scale, which should help give you an idea of the events that led up to Musselman's arrest.

    Half a beer: 0.02 (out of 0.08) BAC: You took about fifteen sips of beer, and your cheeks are already turning a little red. Suddenly the thought of coaching Ron Artest doesn't seem so bad, and you're looking forward to the opportunity to do so in the regular season.

    One beer: 0.04 (out of 0.08) BAC: It's your turn to buy a round for your friends, and you're not very happy about it. There's no need for blame, but you're convinced it's Ron Artest's fault. That guy is a fucker; you hate him. If he were right there in front of you, you'd punch him right in his face.

    Beer and a half: 0.06 (out of 0.08) BAC: You haven't felt this tipsy since you drank after the Warriors fired you for winning games a few years back, but it's cool, dude. Wait a sec! You're hella' talking like you're from Northern California! This is awesome, you haven't lost it one bit! Speaking of awesome, your job is going to be really easy too. You have that workhorse Ron Artest and one of the top point guards in the league in Mike Bibby. Bibby's totally awesome, but that stupid Team Dime posse just has to go. Wait, is that guy white or black, anyway?

    Two beers: 0.08 (out of 0.08) BAC: You're beginning to regret the thought of drinking in the first place. This is all Brad Miller's fault. Man, if you had the chance right now, you'd walk up to that little bitch and punch him in the back. But you wouldn't miss like that big oaf Shaq. How are you gonna stop the Diesel anyway? Ah who cares, he's in the Eastern Conference, so you only play the Heat twice a year. Keep on swigging, E-Muss.

    Two and a half beers: 0.10 (out of 0.08) BAC: You can't remember your name, you're getting really dizzy, and you still have to drive home tonight. After belting karaoke to Kelly Clarkson, you finally remember that you're Isaiah Thomas and begin cursing loudly at Greg Anthony -- who is not there. Why did that prick have to talk shit about your selection of Renaldo Balkman anyway? Whatever, that clown has been gunning for a General Manager job for years, and yet he has no clue how hard it is to randomly choose who to use draft picks on. Your friends keep calling you Eric, which pisses you off, because you're pretty sure your nickname is Zeke, and they sound nothing the fuck alike.

    Three beers: 0.12 (out of 0.08 BAC: You've been told you're actually Eric Musselman, and having thought you were someone else freaks you out enough to stop drinking. However, you're thoroughly bombed, and want to call some friends to let them know you love them. You only get Gavin Maloof's voicemail, and this is not cool with you. You redial his number fifteen more times, and each voicemail you leave is more belligerent than the one before it. After a rambling tirade about wanting chicken pot pie at the locker room buffet after each home game, you call up Joe Maloof instead. It turns out that Joe is partying with Jessica Alba, and he does not appreciate being interrupted. You get him to tell you he loves you, which isn't too much to ask for, right? Content with your barrage of drunk dials to the Maloof brothers and your mother-in-law, you set forth in your car. Driving straight is boring, so you decide to work on your turn skills. You have already mastered making left-hand turns from the right lane, so you decide to refine the skill of making right-hand turns from the left lane.

    Wednesday, October 18, 2006

    Edvertising Feilure

    Teaming up with an ESPN service to get to try to give your new brand a boost? We've already seen one pay-for-our-shit service from ESPN go down the drain. ESPN Mobile worked about as well as Larry Brown in New York -- both lost about $40 million by admitting the project was a failure. Undeterred by ESPN Mobile's collapse, Philips is teaming up with ESPN to provide Insider news for free every so often throughout the next couple of months. As you might have expected, however, this couldn't have gone off without a minor hitch somewhere. It's not just that ESPN Insider is awful -- their NBA "insiders" don't really extend past Chad Ford -- but even the advertisements about their service are sloppy, too.

    Exhibit A:

    Maybe the Clippers are signing an unknown undrafted free agent named Kamen to a $50 million deal, maybe ESPN's NBA Rumor Central once reported that a Kamen is getting $50 million, or maybe Chris changed his name in the off-season. At least they didn't do something like this.

    Tuesday, October 10, 2006

    The Top Five NBA Players Who Should Never Inked Up

    Tattoos adorn many basketball players and showcase their personality. Then there are some NBA players who probably shouldn't be sporting any. Sonics Center Robert Swift crossed that line sometime over the summer, and now features "Anything is Possible" on his left arm, "Just Believe" on his right arm, and what appears to be the And-1 mascot on his right arm and chest. Why a seven foot tall white boy from Bakersfield (a city that rivals Fresno for the title of "Ass Crack of California") feels like he's a more complete person with tattoos is something not even Freud could understand. For a guy whose two year career has been every bit as bad as that awful Fox show "The War at Home," someone should have told him that tattoos don't exactly make the basketball player. Though he has yet to turn 21 and has plenty of time to turn around his basketball career, he probably jumped the gun in the ink department.

    In honor of Swift, we've taken the liberty of listing the top five athletes who should never get inked up:

    5) Jackie Butler
    I argued that JJ Redick should be in this spot, but he'll have to settle for an honorable mention. Tailor's logic won out: the guy is so fat, the skin would roll over the tattoo and distort it.

    4) Earl Boykins
    At 5'5" and 133 pounds, Boykins is so small that the only tattoo that could fit on his body is a dot. Maybe if he's lucky, someone would be able to scrunch in a smiley face on his back.

    3) Adonal Foyle
    Foyle is probably the least intimidating center to ever play the game. For a guy whose strength is poetry, how he racked up over 1,000 blocks in nine seasons is beyond us. Foyle is very active in the community, but it's a good thing he isn't active in a tattoo parlor in Oakland. There's absolutely no way a guy who gets more shots blocked by the rim per 48 minutes should ever have "CRU THIK" and "DYNASTY RAIDER" tattooed on his left arm.

    As far as the poetry goes, this is too good an opportunity to pass up. Sink your teeth into this:

    "We are smart.
    Me want Doctors,
    Me want education man."

    2) Mike Dunleavy Jr.
    For a guy whose four-year NBA career has defined by the word "soft," this shouldn't be a big surprise. Throughout his career, Mike has been in the news a couple of times for little outbursts that tend to be funny because of their relative absurdity. In March 2005, Mike blew a gasket and got his ass ejected because of several questionable calls, and then took his jersey off and threw it in the stands as he left. In February 2006, Mike was once again in the news for going crazy, unloading a profanity-laced rant at a reporter in defense of teammate Mickael Pietrus.

    In four years, there have been two "incidents." Displaying emotion has been a big first step for Mike, but a guy who amazes the world by getting slightly mad should never get a tattoo.

    1) Adam Morrison
    EA Sports would have you think Morrison is a tough guy whose intensity is unrivaled. Their ad campaign for NBA Live 07 -- a video game which is every bit as crappy as the commercials -- touts the guy as if he's the next Larry Bird.

    He's not. At least not on the Bird scale of being a badass.

    Morrison (and EA Sports, I suppose) can play it off like crying is a manly thing. But crying -- while your team STILL HAS A CHANCE TO WIN -- is about as manly as the salad and wine that my girlfriend-less apartment-mate just brought home from Safeway for dinner. The only way Morrison can shed the stigma of crying in the loss against UCLA is scoring a hundred points against the Pistons -- and finishing his three-digit effort by dunking and landing on the shoulders of Antonio McDyess. Anyway, this is a guy whose career will be marred by below average defense, non-existent rebounding ability, and well, he cries like a baby in crucial spots. Why the hell should he have tattoos?

    Thursday, October 05, 2006

    Learn how to post, Savant

    The only thing more idiotic than Blogger's posting system is, well, me. A saved draft apparently turned into a post. Good thing there weren't any Paris Hilton-esque items I'm going to regret. I think.

    So to continue an article I had scratched together, here goes.

    Comparatively, American basketball has gone downhill.

    We're not pessimists; we like to think we're realists about this kind of thing. This isn't a shocking revelation - it's the truth. America can no longer be considered the best at basketball. In fact, we've probably been passed over in terms of basketball writing. Hell, look at the atrocious formatting that Sager's Tailor used with his Media Day Awards post. There's probably a Spanish basketball blog out there called "Wearing Pau's Beard" that's much better than ours -- and actually knows the difference between "save draft" and "publish post."

    Even South Koreans are better at highlights than we Americans are. Hell, just look at this video entitled "Lebron's block and DUNK!!!"

    We're not sure what we like most. Maybe it's the "Oh, no sir!" after LeBron's block, maybe it's the unnecessary camera-shaking after King James finishes with a dunk on the other end, or maybe it's the description of the dunk being listed a "tomehoawk jam." Ah, I can't choose, but "Oh, no sir!" could be one heck of a catch phrase, am I right?

    Tuesday, October 03, 2006

    Media Day Awards

    One of my favorite times of year is media day because of all the random pictures taken. Caption this photo is always a fun game to play, but instead this year I'm going to give away awards to players based on a picture they had taken of them. This is the first annual DCSS Media Day Awards, and without further ado:

    The whoops, I may have smoked too much crack award goes to:

    Now I don't want to start any rumors, but when you look as big as Tim Thomas did during the playoffs, move to LA, then get this skinny - you're asking to get accused of crack usage.

    The damn you're rich why do you look homeless award goes to:

    Tayshaun gets a big contract extension but still can't afford to shave that peach fuzz or crack a smile. Well, I'll give him a pass on the smile cause he's having to pose with Nazr Mohammed and Dwyane Wade busted his ass, but the facial hair is inexcusable. And with all that money Tayshaun can't eat something to put some meat on his bones?

    The you're not Eric Gagne award goes to:

    Growing up in Houston, Rashard should know that growing your goatee like a goofy white pitcher doesn't fly. Not sure what's gotten into him in Seattle, but I'll pay whoever cuts that crap off.

    The I gotta think more before I get a tattoo award goes to:

    Not that it's a bad tattoo, but Jordan's going to look just ridiculous wearing number 5 all season while he has a tattoo of him wearing number 1. Thankfully for Jordan, if Smush plays like he did the last three games against Phoenix, the number will be opening real soon.

    The Jesus Christ get some sleep award goes to:

    Obviously, Marcus got himself so excited for media day that he couldn't get any sleep. Hopefully it was everything he hoped for so he can get some damn shuteye.

    And the last award of the night, the Please put me in Pirates of the Carribean III award goes to:

    Ronny Turiaf had some help from the good people at Clublakers. The original is a little different, but photoshop is a fantastic tool.

    Monday, October 02, 2006

    Your Team is Pretty Goddamned Lazy

    Players are required to report to their teams tomorrow morning for media day, and starting on October 3rd, teams that aren't on the European tour will begin practice sessions. Practices that will test the grit of rookies and veterans alike. Then there are teams like the Hornets and Wizards who don't really give a shit.

    New Orleans and Washington are holding practices that are fluffier than the questions Jim Gray asks his lover Kobe Bryant after Kobe shoots 3/50 from the field. Both the Honets and Wizards are only practicing for three hours a day, which is pretty freakin' lazy, but only one of those two teams take home the "Joe Barry Caroll Lazy Ass Award."

    Wizards coach Eddie Jordan is asking his team to show up for two hours in the morning and just one hour in the afternoon. That's barely even enough time to get loose. By the time the Wizards have completed warmups -- which we assume will be comprised of jumping jacks, butterfly stretches, arm circles, and a couple laps around the gym -- the two hour session will be nearly over. We can only imagine Gilbert Arenas completing his 50 jumping jacks before his teammates, then flaring his nostrils and flipping off Antawn Jamison as practice ends.

    On the other side of the spectrum, the Clippers and Celtics actually plan to get their multi-millionaires in shape. Both are holding a three hour session in the morning, followed by a two hour session at 6 PM for a grand total of five hours.

    If we were smart like Jason Gurney of, we'd probably do some chart with all teams and their standard deviation practice time scores or some shit, but we hope you'll settle for a neat little list.

    Daily practice time breakdown:
    3 hours: Wizards, Hornets
    3 hours, 30 minutes: Bobcats, Cavaliers, Nuggets, Bucks
    4 hours: Hawks, Bulls, Mavericks, Pistons, Warriors, Lakers, Grizzlies, Heat, Timberwolves, Trailblazers, Kings, Spurs, Raptors, Jazz, 76ers.
    4 hours, 30 minutes: Magic
    5 hours: Celtics, Clippers

    Unknown: Suns
    Single session (unknown length): Indiana
    Two sessions (unknown length): Sonics, Knicks, Rockets, Nets