breaking down the nba like craig sager's suits: colorfully

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Sager Points: Week 1

Your weekly ranking of NBA teams are done by Sager Points, which involves a complex formula that would put the BCS to shame. In addition to the total points and a brief description, we will also have a guest share their thoughts on each team every week. In honor of his movie coming out on November 3rd, Borat will be our very first special guest.

Here is week one:

1) Miami Heat: 830,001
The Heat are coming off a world (NBA?) championship, and God damn it, that means they’re number one. The decision to waive Vincent Grier off their roster almost dropped the Heat below the Mavs, but we just couldn’t drop them to number two.

Borat says: Hello? How you type this thing? I do not understand computer, in my country we have morse code.

2) Dallas Mavericks: 750,549
Though the Mavericks lost the NBA finals to the Heat, we fully expect them to recover. Any team with Dirk and Steve Nash can recover quickly. Wait, they don’t have Nash? They’re fucked.

Borat says: I write out English letters on keyboard? OK I ready! Erick Dampier remind me much of myself. He like to sit on bench and eat burger.

3) San Antonio Spurs: 730,802
Francisco Elson: the free agent signing that will rule them all.

Borat says: I do not understand Tony Parker when he talks. I too busy thinking about crepes.

4) Detroit Pistons: 701,411
They lose Big Ben, but locking him up long-term would have destroyed this team down the road. The Pistons might be an even better team offensively this year, and while Nazr Mohammed is a step down, their bench is just a little bit deeper -- that’ll pay dividends down the road.

Borat says: Rip Hamilton wear very scary mask. I once put mask on scarecrow to scare Jews away from my house, it not work very well.

5) Chicago Bulls: 681,999
They gain Big Ben and dump Chandler -- a move we’d take any day of the week. With Hinrich auditioning for max dollars, the Bulls will get the most out of him at a good time. Except for the fact, you know, they’ll have to give him that money if he does well.

Borat says: Kirk Hinrich remind me of when I was boy. I pasty white and look like elf, but then I grow mustache.

6) Phoenix Suns: 620,512
Fine, Amare’s back, but let’s see him last a full season. He’d be wise to wait a few more months and wait out the knee pain, especially since he has his contract extension already. They’re a sexy pick to win it all, but again, I don’t see them doing it without Amare.

Borat says: Steve Nash nice guy on that commercial I see on TNT, I like him lots! Back to back MP3 mean he special!

7) Cleveland Cavaliers: 511,501
The truth is that LeBron LeBron LeBron, LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron. So we think LeBron LeBron LeBron. If LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron, then LeBron.

Borat says: Zydrunas from Lithuania, close to Kazakhstan! He lead Cavaliers to championship!

8) Los Angeles Clippers: 499,115
Sam Cassell and Chris Kaman give the Clippers the ugliest team in the NBA, but it’s the buckets scored that count, not how much you vomit when you see Kaman’s nappy ass hair on TV.

Borat says: Donald Sterling like Kazakh apartment owner, he kick out Jews from apartments!

9) New Jersey Nets: 430,585
Kidd, Vince, and RJ should be enough to help the Nets win the division, but if Toronto or Boston get hot down the stretch, they might shock someone. Maybe. Possibly. Eh, we’ll take the Nets.

Borat says: New Jersey remind me of Kazakh city Pavlodar. Gray skies, bad water, ugly women.

10) Denver Nuggets: 390,875
The Nuggets are the Smith capital of the world with J.R. and Joe, but this year rides on a lot of “if’s.” If Kenyon Martin doesn’t be a bitch. If the Nuggets finally solve their shooting guard woes with J.R. Smith. If Marcus Camby doesn’t go down for eight weeks with a lacerated nipple.

Borat says: One time I eat Kazakh style meal with Earl Boykins, but he decide not to eat delicacy of fried fertilizer with side of potatos! No appetite!

11) Sacramento Kings 374,202
We know Bibby’s hurt, and a three game road trip to start the season isn’t fun, but the Kings are pretty stacked in every position. Eric Musselman may drink in excess, but he’s a hell of a coach.

Borat says: I am told it is called Cowtown. In my country all towns are nicknamed Cowtown.

12) Los Angeles Lakers: 320,385
We know Kobe’s also hurt, but it might be only for one or two games. Phoenix would probably beat the Lakers anyway, but their next five games are against Golden State, Seattle, Seattle again, Minnesota, and Portland. That’s enough time for Kobe to put up 400 points and get the Lakers back up to 5-1.

Borat says: If Kobe touch me in bad place, why complain, he rich and famous!

13) Washington Wizards: 311,126
Gilbert Arenas is fucking crazy. Not Jim-Carrey-as-Riddler-in-Batman-Forever crazy, but Jack-Nicholson-in-The-Shining crazy.

Borat says: I once was fan of Wizards but Popeye Jones leave for ugliest man alive competition.

14) New Orleans Hornets: 282,731
This team goes as CP3 goes. Peja’s 2/10 nights will start pissing off Hornets fans soon, though.

Borat says: Hilton Armstrong have neck like giraffe. Chris Paul have legs of grasshopper.

15) Houston Rockets: 260,132
Yao Ming and T-Mac are healthy. For now. They could drop to 28th by the time this season is over.

Borat says: I once see video of Mutombo shaking his finger after block shot. That make me never want to shoot basketball.

16) Utah Jazz: 243,298
Opening week could be the only week of the season that the Jazz are healthy. Because of that, they should have a good week and get people's hopes up before Kirilekno and Boozer miss their annual month.

Borat says: We say AK47 is step-child in Kazakhstan, we have to like only because he is somewhat related to us and we have no one else to root for.

17) Orlando Magic: 184,593
And so begins Dwight Howard's year long journey to becoming the best big man in the league. Two non playoff teams, followed by a great match up against the Spurs and Tim Duncan. Don't be shocked if they start 3-0.

Borat says: In my country, asking for a “Darko” gets you beheaded.

18) Indiana Pacers: 140,593
As long as they keep the distractions to a minimum, they should get off to a good start. That means you can’t go punch Rick Carlisle in the face, Sarunas Jasikevicius.

Borat says: Stephen Jackson arrested for shooting gun at bad guy? In my country he get key to city!

19) Memphis Grizzlies: 120,492
With Pau Gasol out, the Grizzlies will look to Rudy Gay to help carry the load somewhat on offense. Anyone who saw him play at UConn knows this is a bad start for a team that is on the decline with Jerry West on his way out.

Borat says: Gay? No I cannot talk about this one it is forbidden in my country.

20) Golden State Warriors: 105,932
Don Nelson! Don Nelson’s coaching! Wait, twenty other teams have small ball lineups too? Ah well, 35 wins it is.

Borat says: I hear Patrick O’Bryant makes fantastic cakes. Is it possible to have him make me one or will he be busy sitting on bench?

21) Milwaukee Bucks: 102,190
Bucks: Andrew Bogut is hurt, Villanueva is struggling, Bobby Simmons hasn't lived up to expectations. This list goes on and on, but at least they're guaranteed to score 25 points with Michael Redd every night!

Borat says: What happen to Villanueva’s head? What is this alopecia? I think I get that from prostitute last year, so how come I still have hair then?

22) Minnesota Timberwolves: 89,010
Sadly, the Timberwolves could be down here for awhile. Maybe it’s time to move KG and get what you can for him. Or try to make a playoff run and watch his trade value diminish!

Borat says: Mark Madsen dance like me, except less sexy when he doe sit.

23) Toronto Raptors: 85,932
Mike James is out of there, but the Raptors pick up a more pure point guard in T.J. Ford. If he stays healthy, then this team could be Bryan Colangelo’s newest playoff team.

Borat says: Canada is much like Kazakhstan. Like Canada to USA, we are Russia’s bitch too.

24) Boston Celtics: 79,312
The Celtics have a great young backcourt, but they have a sketchy young frontcourt. This team needs some time to develop, but Paul Pierce isn’t around forever.

Borat says: Tell Brian Scalabrine please never come back to Kazakhstan, they think redhair man is devil.

25) Philadelphia 76ers: 60,090
A.I. and Chris Webber combine to score 60 points each night, but they need 80 shots to do it. This is why they will lose 45 games again this year.

Borat says: Iverson is big, big, big in Kazakhstan! All Kazakh people think he is 30 feet tall because he is on billboard.

26) Seattle Supersonics: 30,583
Never have I seen a team look so discombobulated on the court. Immediately after tipoff, Ray Allen’s trying to score, Rashard Lewis is trying to dunk, and Earl Watson and Luke Ridnour are fighting over who’s the real point guard. They’re a fun team to play against for sure though, because you’ll win 115-100 every night.

Borat says: Danny Fortson once shake my hand and introduce himself. NBA suspend him for one game for flagrant foul.

27) New York Knicks: 10,182
Poor Isiah -- he only has 8 months left until James Dolan fires him for Larry Brown.

Borat says: I go to Madison Square Garden once and sit very close. The cheerleaders would not take money to come home with me!

28) Portland Trail Blazers: 2
This team will never go anywhere with Zach Randolph starting, we mean it. Give Brandon Roy the ball 80 times a night, that would be much more interesting. They’d only lose by 40 this way.

Borat says: Headquarters of Nike shoes near Portland basketball team, yes? That is similar to big Kazakh company that sells fried rooster only kilometers from our professional cockfighting team!

29) Atlanta Hawks: -843
Speedy Claxton is a good ballplayer. But he should never, in any circumstances, be the starting point guard on any team. Unless you’re the Hawks and have to start him by default. Seriously, how many other teams in the league have had point guard woes for as long as the Hawks have?

Borat says: Josh Childress have crazy hair! I try growing hair out like that to match mustache, but I only end up with mullet.

30) Charlotte Bobcats: -1,509
We called out a few guys who performed well in the pre-season that you shouldn’t get excited about. Well we want to say that Adam Morrison shooting 36% in 8 pre-season games is no big deal, and maybe it isn’t, but we don’t want to hear “bust” for a few years, alright?

Borat says: Adam Morrison and I share very good mustaches. I wonder if he like me. I attract all good prostitutes .


Blogger Magic Mister E said...

I just had a basketball explosion in my shorts. DCSS equals sexy-time.

6:20 PM


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