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Monday, October 23, 2006

Eric Musselman Drinking Scale




Another misdemeanor charge sent shockwaves through the NBA this weekend, as Kings coach Eric Musselman was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. At 2:15 in the morning, Musselman was pulled over after making a right turn from a left-hand lane -- give him credit, that's hard to do even when sober -- while cutting off a car in the process. Musselhead-- excuse us, Musselman was clocked at 0.11 percent (the legal limit of blood alcohol content (BAC) in the state of California is 0.08 percent) which was good enough to earn a free trip to Sacramento County Main Jail. According to the DMV's official website for a guy who's about 5'7" and 150 pounds (we were probably generous on both counts), two drinks per hour will put you at 0.08 percent BAC.

Using anonymous sources familiar with the situation, eight impatient bank tellers, and three raccoons eating trash, we created the Eric Musselman Drinking Scale, which should help give you an idea of the events that led up to Musselman's arrest.

Half a beer: 0.02 (out of 0.08) BAC: You took about fifteen sips of beer, and your cheeks are already turning a little red. Suddenly the thought of coaching Ron Artest doesn't seem so bad, and you're looking forward to the opportunity to do so in the regular season.

One beer: 0.04 (out of 0.08) BAC: It's your turn to buy a round for your friends, and you're not very happy about it. There's no need for blame, but you're convinced it's Ron Artest's fault. That guy is a fucker; you hate him. If he were right there in front of you, you'd punch him right in his face.

Beer and a half: 0.06 (out of 0.08) BAC: You haven't felt this tipsy since you drank after the Warriors fired you for winning games a few years back, but it's cool, dude. Wait a sec! You're hella' talking like you're from Northern California! This is awesome, you haven't lost it one bit! Speaking of awesome, your job is going to be really easy too. You have that workhorse Ron Artest and one of the top point guards in the league in Mike Bibby. Bibby's totally awesome, but that stupid Team Dime posse just has to go. Wait, is that guy white or black, anyway?

Two beers: 0.08 (out of 0.08) BAC: You're beginning to regret the thought of drinking in the first place. This is all Brad Miller's fault. Man, if you had the chance right now, you'd walk up to that little bitch and punch him in the back. But you wouldn't miss like that big oaf Shaq. How are you gonna stop the Diesel anyway? Ah who cares, he's in the Eastern Conference, so you only play the Heat twice a year. Keep on swigging, E-Muss.

Two and a half beers: 0.10 (out of 0.08) BAC: You can't remember your name, you're getting really dizzy, and you still have to drive home tonight. After belting karaoke to Kelly Clarkson, you finally remember that you're Isaiah Thomas and begin cursing loudly at Greg Anthony -- who is not there. Why did that prick have to talk shit about your selection of Renaldo Balkman anyway? Whatever, that clown has been gunning for a General Manager job for years, and yet he has no clue how hard it is to randomly choose who to use draft picks on. Your friends keep calling you Eric, which pisses you off, because you're pretty sure your nickname is Zeke, and they sound nothing the fuck alike.

Three beers: 0.12 (out of 0.08 BAC: You've been told you're actually Eric Musselman, and having thought you were someone else freaks you out enough to stop drinking. However, you're thoroughly bombed, and want to call some friends to let them know you love them. You only get Gavin Maloof's voicemail, and this is not cool with you. You redial his number fifteen more times, and each voicemail you leave is more belligerent than the one before it. After a rambling tirade about wanting chicken pot pie at the locker room buffet after each home game, you call up Joe Maloof instead. It turns out that Joe is partying with Jessica Alba, and he does not appreciate being interrupted. You get him to tell you he loves you, which isn't too much to ask for, right? Content with your barrage of drunk dials to the Maloof brothers and your mother-in-law, you set forth in your car. Driving straight is boring, so you decide to work on your turn skills. You have already mastered making left-hand turns from the right lane, so you decide to refine the skill of making right-hand turns from the left lane.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Jason said...

Good stuff. One more beer and he's crank-calling Chris Cohan.

7:40 AM

 
Blogger Sager Savant said...

The truth is, Jason, that you could probably drink Vitaly Klitschko under the table. And we all know it!

1:41 PM

 
Anonymous ericfontana said...

Perhaps he was just trying to show his players how to hold it together under public scrutiny?

7:19 AM

 
Anonymous Jack said...

HA! Classic.

9:43 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. More likely six pieces of rum cake from the dessert tray at the Hilton.
2. "E" doesn't really drink except when he's at Hooters and who doesn't drink there?
3. He's about #170 and it's all mussel - I've checked him a time or two.

11:27 PM

 

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