Last Night's Box Scores

Because you're lazier than a joke on CBS' Two and a Half Men, here's what you need to know about last night's pre-season games:

• Washington 81, Cleveland 62: LeBron James finishes with three points, three turnovers -- and a fuck-you note from karma for wearing a Yankees hat in Cleveland during Game 1 of the ALDS -- in fifteen minutes of play. Gilbert Arenas fares marginally better, but one of his two made shots was a banked-in three to beat the half-time buzzer.
  

• New Orleans 94, Houston 92: Steve Francis leads the Rockets to a 20 point victory, notching his fifteenth straight triple-double. My bad, that was a box score from 2001. Steve Francis plays only five minutes, turns the ball over twice, picks up two personal fouls, and manages to get a rebound despite being unable to jump more than three inches in the air. And in the head-to-head match-up of "guys who were out for the season but you occasionally forgot why they weren't playing," Peja Stojakovic bested Bonzi Wells, as Peja scores 13 to Bonzi's 11.

• Milwaukee 93, Chicago 88: Yi Jianlian lasts as long as George O'Leary at Notre Dame, and fouls out in 15 minutes. Meanwhile, the Bulls play six rookies, including Joakim Noah (6 points, 4 rebounds, 6 assists, and a block and a steal) and Aaron Gray (10 points, 6 rebounds). When the hell are we going to see Luol Deng and Ben Gordon duke it out for who gets the max extension?
  

• Dallas 88, San Antonio 67: Dallas finally plays lockdown defense over five months too late. Tony Parker, who's still on his honeymoon or some shit, didn't play, while Manu Ginobili and Matt Bonner each score 14. Jose Barea scores 13, but is only able to do so because no one feels like running after a fast motherfucker this early in the pre-season.

• Denver 119, LA Clippers 107: The Nuggets and Clippers actually play a game worth paying attention to, as 12 players wind up in double figures. Sadly, nobody really gives a shit about eight of them. Melo scores 17, J.R. Smith adds 15, A.I. drops 11, and Marcus Camby decides not to share with the rookies, as he grabs 23 rebounds in 24 minutes to go along with 13 points. That's like Wilt Chamberlain territory right there -- that's got to be worth at least 8,000 PER points or something.

• Sacramento 104, Seattle 98: The good news for Kevin Durant about being moved to shooting guard: he is bigger than most twos at 6'9" and 225 lbs. The bad news: the quick, little guys can scorch him. Durant scores 12 points in 20 minutes while matching up against Kevin Martin, but Martin puts up 27 in 22 minutes, and helps PJ Carlesimo get one step closer to getting choked again.

• Golden State 112, LA Lakers 110: Kobe Bryant scores 17 in 21 minutes, and the reserves play the rest of the way. Meanwhile, Baron Davis survives a game without getting injured, and Kelenna Azibuike remembers how to score like he's playing against the NBDL again. Then again, the entire Lakers roster minus Kobe is an NBDL team.