Donning Craig Sager's Suit

Welcome to America!

2007-10-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

Eureljus Zukauskas has a long wingspan. Brandan Wright has a longer one. Guess who wins on a dunk attempt?

Wrapping up 10/16's preseason action

2007-10-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

Atlanta 103, Minnesota 77: Like Kevin Garnett, Al Jefferson learns what it's like to be the Timberwolves' most productive player, to play his guts out, and still lose by 26. Jefferson scores 20 and grabs 15 rebounds, but the rest of his team shoots 33.3% in a loss to the Hawks. Eight players on Atlanta ended up with at least 9 points, with Zaza Pachulia leading the way with 16 points in 19 minutes.

Denver 104, Milwaukee 78: This one is pretty simple. Bogut and Redd sit, 'Melo (16 points) and A.I. (22 points) do not. The Bucks only end up with 11 assists on 27 field goals, and Yi Jianlian is OK with 9 points and 7 rebounds in 20 minutes. Kenyon Martin plays in his first game since coming back from knee surgery, and contributes 11 points in 14 minutes.

Chicago 97, Washington 76: The Wizards barely play their starters, but the Bulls manage to play their starters even less and still win by 19. Gilbert Arenas has yet to crack double-digits in a pre-season game, while Ben Gordon has yet to play in one. On an exciting note, however, Aaron Gray inches closer to the Big Stiff of the Year award by fouling out in 16 minutes.

Dallas 101, Sacramento 99: Reggie Theus and Avery Johnson both give most of their starters a good run, and Jason Terry's three with four seconds to go turns out to be the eventual game-winner. Dirk scores 23, grabs 13 boards, and nets five assists. The Kings convert everywhere except on the free throw line, where they only manage to shoot 28/42.

The little things that start trade rumors

2007-10-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

Is Sager's Tailor a prophet? Undoubtedly. Tailor managed to predict that Ric Bucher's face was about to be plastered all over ESPN today, dispelling a rumor that Kobe Bryant had cleared out his locker in anticipation of a trade. Kobe had apparently only removed a couple items from his locker, and that was enough to give the story a massive amount of pub.

The speculation is extremely obnoxious, because this storyline is going to be bigger than the upcoming NBA season itself. It simply will not die until the February 21st trade deadline, and even after that, the talk will be all about "Where will Kobe go next year?"

In order to stop any excitement from "a Kobe trade is imminent" rumors, here are possible trade rumors that could spread based on any little mundane activity.

Scenario 1: Kobe is seen eating deep dish pizza for lunch at Taste Chicago.
Result: Los Angeles area sports talk radio claims that Kobe is trying to learn how to adapt to Chicago food, meaning Mitch Kupchak has informed him he is being traded to the Bulls.
What Ric Bucher will say on the 6 PM version of SportsCenter, followed by every 10 minutes on ESPNEWS"Kobe was merely hungry, and his agent says that he will be in uniform for tonight's game."

Scenario 2: Vanessa Bryant seen on set of Dancing with the Stars, casually talking to all the dancers and celebrities.
Result: KCAL-9 runs a Breaking News story that Vanessa Bryant is facilitating a trade to the Dallas Mavericks after a long talk with Mark Cuban.
What Ric Bucher will say on the 9 AM version of SportsCenter: "I stayed up all night to ask several sources about any possible Kobe trade movement, but I've been informed that Vanessa Bryant was only re-connecting with friends she met during her career as a dancer.

Scenario 3: Kobe Bryant is seen leaving the Lakers' practice facility in El Segundo holding a soccer ball, and after a casual inquiry, tells reporters that he's going to play soccer with a new friend.
Result: The LA Times Sports section has an article that states Kobe Bryant is moving to Phoenix, and as a friendly gesture, asks Steve Nash if he wants to kick a soccer ball around.
What Ric Bucher will say -- disheveled and seething -- on the 12:30 PM edition of ESPNEWS: This is ridiculous. Why am I stuck following this guy around again? Come on. I had to drive two hours to a studio so I could come on TV to say this!

Tuesday Notes

2007-10-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a kid, saw a power hitter like David Ortiz or Barry Bonds, and asked your Dad if he could have someone run in his place immediately after hitting the ball? Well Yao Ming is on the wrong end of the basketball equivalent of a pinch-runner during practice, as Rick Adelman sends Dikembe Mutombo to guard him on defense, and makes him guard Jackie Butler on defense. Thing is, aren't there better players to choose to be a designated defender? And while we're at it, aren't there better players to select as designated scorer? Yao's practice competition consists of a 41 year old plus a guy who isn't even guaranteed to make the roster. Good idea, but the personnel could use a makeover.

Oh pre-season. It's the time of year where beat writers have a slew of articles already written up about a player, but they have to wait for that player to have a breakout game in order to fine-tune it and print it. Ike Diogu, who ">finally had a decent game with 19 points, had his day today. Just like every other fucking player in the league, Diogu is looking to have a break-out season, and he apparently has struck up a close relationship with (and has a locker next to) Forward/Center Jermaine O'Neal. who shot an abysmal 43.7% last year. Can you think of a worse mentor offensively? Ike should get a shooting coach, or a low post coach or any coach that isn't O'Neal, because his shooting percentage is on par with that of a 2, not a 4/5. Considering Diogu shot 45.3% after being traded to Indiana, maybe the coaching staff should break the two up and put as much distance between them as possible.

Aw, the Atlanta Hawks seem to think they can beat the zone. That's cute. It's like the 10 year old kid who likes space and wants to be an astronaut: give it a few years.

In six years, DeSagana Diop has attempted 704 shots. So unless he's regularly draining threes in practice, is there even a point in talking about anything other than his defense?

Something this funny deserves far more attention.

Wrapping up 10/15's preseason action

2007-10-16T00:57:00.001-07:00

Golden State 107, Zalgiris Kaunas 88: While Craig Sager works his magic in Colorado, DCSS was wearing its yellow, green, and red. Stephen Jackson and Baron Davis play about 20 minutes each, and both just toy around with the Lithuanian squad. Jackson ended up with 20 points, and Davis ended up with 11 points, 7 assists, and 6 rebounds. Rookie Marco Belinelli played all 48 minutes, and after starting off very passively (driving and passing the ball out to the top of the key instead of trying to finish, passing up open shots, etc.), only began to show confidence in his shot after Don Nelson called a play for him following a timeout. After starting off shooting 1/6 from the field, Belinelli finished by shooting 6/11, picking up 19 points on the night. The rookie has a very crisp shooting stroke, and squares up coming off a screen very well, but don't ask the guy to handle the ball. Overall, is he a decent rookie with potential to be a consistent scorer? Sure. Will he be replacing Jason Richardson's all-around excellent offense? Not a chance.

Memphis 101, Minnesota 93: Marko Jaric scores 17 (whenever I see or hear anything about Jaric, I only think of a classic moment captured by Embedded Reporter Elie Seckbach, when Jaric cracks up after overhearing Elie tell Chris Kaman what Shaq thinks about him: "I've never been to the Kaman (sic) Islands.") and Kevin McHale opens up a bottle of Cristal to congratulate himself for witnessing a great game by the man he considers the basketball messiah, Al Jefferson. Jefferson finishes with 17 and 15, but the Wolves still fall to the Grizzlies, who play Rudy Gay, Pau Gasol, and Mike Miller on regular season minutes. But it was actually Juan-Carlos Navarro who was the offensive spark, as he puts up 22 points in 23 minutes.

Charlotte 96, New Jersey 86: Jason Kidd lasts three pre-season games before sustaining an injury in practice on Sunday, and now he's nursing his balky back just like last year. Even without their court leader, the Nets maintain a 9 point lead through the third quarter. However, a mass substitution of RJ, VC, and Malik Allen triggers a 29-7 Bobcats run, giving Charlotte fans the impression that they too can beat NBA subs. Gerald Wallace finishes with 20, and VC ends up with 13 in 22 minutes.

Indiana 117, New Orleans 104: Chris Paul finally works his way up to 9 assists, but the Pacers use contributions from everywhere to net a high-powered win. All members of the starting lineup are in double-figures for Indiana, and Ike Diogu adds 19 of his own. Troy Murphy takes Larry Bird's comment about "being mean and nasty like he was back in College" to heart, and puts up 16/9 in 20 minutes-- before fouling out.

Phoenix 124, Utah 101: The Suns don't even look back after taking a 16-14 lead in the first quarter, as they dominate a game that has only six lead changes. Steve Nash scores 12 points and dishes 7 assists in 24 minutes, and the only starter who doesn't end up in double-figures is Boris Diaw -- who has a sick stat line of 6 points, 9 assists, and 11 rebounds. All Jazz starters finish in double-figures, but Paul Millsap leads his team with 16 points.

I demand to be traded from this site.

2007-10-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

It's times like this that make me wish Dick Bavetta would get involved with the mob and bet on some games. All off season long it's been non-stop trade demands, and I'm sick of it. Pay me millions of dollars and I'll go cut grass with child proof scissors, let alone play basketball anywhere. You know things are out of hand when Juwan Howard thinks he's good enough to dictate where he goes. "I want to play for a winning team." Juwan - if a team needs you bad enough to trade for you, they aren't winning anything anytime soon.

Kevin Garnett is the exception. How he didn't choke somebody in that front office is beyond me. When a Mark Blount for Raef Lafrentz trade is seen as an upgrade, things just aren't working out. Dude kills himself in the off season to be the best player he can be (Is it too soon Eddie Griffin fans? I'm sorry.) and puts it all out on the floor every single game and the best you can do is Ricky Davis as a second scorer? KG could have gone all John Elway and pitched for the Yankees, and I still wouldn't have been mad at him.

But Kobe Bryant demanding out? That's just ludicrous. His reason: "Front office hasn't done a good enough job of trying to win now.".After your selfishness and inability to get along with one of the most likable players in the game and tore apart what could have been one of the best teams in the history of the NBA, you want out?

Not only should the Lakers not trade Kobe, but they should extend his contract indefinitely and make him coach this team once he retires after he demanded they make a team centered around him - then want out when he realizes he's not enough.

"I don't want to waste my prime years waiting for guys to develop", well you should have thought of that Kobster before you ran out the diesel. Even you two took six years to win one, now all the sudden you want to do it overnight? As ludicrous as people thought Phil was when he wanted to trade you for Kidd and Marion - the Lakers are probably still contending for championships now with those two and Shaq.

The worst part about the whole Kobe fiasco is how damn much we see of Ric Bucher now. For however creepy Pedro Gomez' official role was as Barry Bonds' stalker, Bucher has become the NBA equivalent for Kobe Bryant. Jesus, if Kobe wasn't a puppet master when he lead the destruction of a dynasty three years ago, he sure as hell is now. Kobe's camp could tell Ric to go on air and admit to funding several big time meth labs and he'd do it. You can't go out and say "Kobe will never wear a Lakers jersey again." and then two months later after he's shown up to camp and played in two pre-season games come out with some Laker news and expect of have any kind of credibility, Ric.

I know this is all work done by Ric because he wants to someday write the Kobe Bryant book - but by the time the damn thing's published he's going to need to do it under another alias to get any kind of sales.

Andrei Kirilenko is another guy who demanded a trade, with about as many reasons as Kobe has. Andrei makes great money, is in a system where he was an all star just a few years ago, has an up and coming point guard who is on the verge of being an all star, and plays with one of the most formidable PF-C offensive duos in the league. What's the problem here? You don't want to be a piece of 'Sloan'? Don't let all the love you got from the nation of Russia during the world championships get to your head. If you accept your role on this team and stop giving Deron Williams reason to rip you to shreds in the press you wouldn't have anything to worry about. Looks like Andrei's attitude has change though, since his wife threatened to revoke his one different woman a year clause if he walks away from the 63 million. Ok, so Sloan punked him. The wife line seemed funnier.

The most comical may be Shawn Marion. The guy is in a system tailor made (yes I've been dying to use that) to his skill set. He makes the most money on the team, yet he's upset because he doesn't get the recognition he feels he deserves. Call me crazy, but I'd kill to be the highest paid guy on the team but thought of as the third best player. That way when I don't show up in the playoffs (which Shawn doesn't), it's not all my fault and I don't have to hope on Robert Horry shoving Steve Nash every series. Shawn's in a position T-Mac dreams of being in, and should be more thankful.

And I stand by my title for this article. Not only am I underpaid (Gross salary for 2007: $0), it took Savant a damn year to find my login and reinvite me. I'm back anyway, but expect Ric Bucher to be publicizing my demands while I continue to write - cause I just like screwin' with the guy.

Wrapping up 10/14's pre-season action

2007-10-15T00:03:00.000-07:00

Portland 102, Atlanta 89: The Hawks are 3-0 with Acie Law and 0-1 without him, though their defense was just as bad as their offense. Atlanta let LaMarcus Aldridge gave free offensive rebounds en route to his 29 points, and Channing Frye scored 14. Meanwhile, Hawk fans now begin to remember what losing feels like, and instead, focus on Al Horford's double-double.

Washington 86, Philadelphia 80: Gilbert Arenas and Antonio Daniels are given the night off, which explains the low offensive output for Washington. The 76ers are awful, which explains the low offensive output for Philadelphia. Antawn Jamison scores a game high 17 points, and all 140 in attendance ask for their money back.

Detroit 109, Denver 106: Jason Maxiell picks up a double-double in only 20 minutes of play, and Jarvis Hayes scores 24 for the Pistons. The Nuggets, resting just about everyone that matters (except Marcus Camby), still manage to stay in the game, due to the fact Anthony Roberson (22 points) is back on the up-swing of his streaky shooting.

LA Clippers 99, Golden State 89: Al Thornton, Ruben Patterson, and Corey Maggette combine for 61 points, while the Warriors only shoot 32.9%. Not going to win you ballgames if you're an up-tempo offense. Think they miss Jason Richardson yet?

Saturday Notes

2007-10-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

John Hollinger will supposedly show his "face"

Avery Johnson asked Dirk Nowitzki to step up and take an all-around leadership role in September. Apparently a little spat with Devin Harris over a missed defensive assignment yesterday is a positive first step. Sure, it's nice to see Nowitzki publicly chewing out a teammate, though he's done it before to Erick Dampier and Jason Terry. Calling that a sign of positive leadership is like complementing Atlanta on getting a decent point guard. They've had one before, but they're still not a playoff team.

Rasheed Wallace picks up his third technical in as many pre-season games. Someone tell Sheed that technical fouls aren't a hall-worthy record.

Still on the Pistons, Flip Saunders is after Jason Maxiell to improve his defensive rebounding. The way he phrased it, however, sounds awkward. "I tell him every day and Joe (Dumars) tells him every day, he's got to defensive rebound. If he can't defensive rebound, then he really hurts himself." Got to "defensive rebound?" Tell Rip Hamilton he's "got to points," and you're all set to go this year, coach.

Henry Abbott of TrueHoop is having his very own Broadway extravaganza, and plans on interviewing David Thorpe and John Hollinger at ESPN Zone. It sounds like a whole bunch of fun, but I don't really believe that Hollinger will show, for the same reason that Carl Everett would never go to a museum with dinosaur fossils. I just don't think John Hollinger exists; at least he's not human. As far as I can tell, he's more like the Master Control Program from Tron.

Why England Doesn't Deserve Basketball

2007-10-13T02:27:00.000-07:00

NBA Europe Live held one game in London, featuring Minnesota and Boston. And there's absolutely no way that England should ever receive an NBA game ever again, no matter how ready Ray Allen thinks they may be. Why? Because the Brits did the freakin' wave during the game. A BASKETBALL GAME. This is sports blasphemy -- imagine if FC Barcelona and Real Madrid played an exhibition game in Los Angeles and in response to a Ronaldinho hat trick, hundreds of fans threw octopi on the field.

Here's the footage:

Krazy George could not be reached for comment.

Wrapping up 10/12's pre-season action

2007-10-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

New Jersey 91, Philadelphia 90: Four of the big five were out for New Jersey. The biggest of them all, Bostjan Nachbar, demanded to play, and play he did by scoring 35 points in an overtime victory. Meanwhile, the 76ers' starting lineup scores 17 points, and Louis Williams scores 33. It's great to see Williams doing so well, even though he still weighs about 50 pounds.

Orlando 102, Miami 69: It wasn't really a fair fight. Orlando played a bunch of role players, while Miami played their training camp invitee team. Redick (19 points) is establishing himself as a legitimate pre-season player, and Dwight Howard is just screwing around, as he collects 13 points, 10 rebounds, and 8 blocks.

Seattle 96, Cleveland 90: LeBron is hurt! OK, well it's just a shoulder contusion, and it shouldn't affect him long-term. The way Kevin Durant shot (5/22), he probably wishes he had a reason to sit out mid-game.

Utah 100, Detroit 85: Just like how it happened against Cleveland last night, the Pistons maintained a lead with their starters, and then drop off as the second unit takes over. Maybe Flip is just trying to make a point that a 5-man rotation works just fine.

Chicago 100, Dallas 92: Aaron Gray picks up another double-double, even with Scott Skiles imposing a seven-shot limit. Meanwhile, Dallas' Jose Juan Barea is still too fast for any team in the NBA to catch up with, as he scores 17.

Denver 118, Portland 102: 16 shots from Anthony Roberson may not have been what George Karl had in mind, but the Nuggets pick up double-figures from all of their starters, including 17 from A.I. and 22 from Carmelo.

Lady of Spain...

2007-10-12T11:38:00.001-07:00

Spain is a beautiful country, but Mike Miller can't enjoy it, because he is lost in his thoughts of loneliness. As he tenderly caresses the wall and rests his cheek on the cold tile surface while yearning for his lover, he makes each and every one of us wonder: do you really miss Chucky Atkins that bad?

Wrapping up 10/11's pre-season action

2007-10-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

New York 112, Maccabi Elite 85: All of the Lower East Side shows up to root for Maccabi Tel Aviv, but the Knicks still win. Vonteego freakin' Cummings winds up the game's leading scorer with 20 points for Maccabi, but seven Knicks end up in double figures and cruise to an easy win.

Memphis 98, MMT Estudiantes 73: The Grizzlies run their starters out there for a quarter, and it's enough to give them a 32-11 lead by the end of the first period. Naturally, Darko puts up 13 and 7 when he's not facing NBA players.

Real Madrid 104, Toronto 103: It's OK if Canadian teams lose to international teams, because the US NBA teams would never lose to a foreign team. Check that... Well, at least the Raptors can blame it on Chris Bosh sitting out.

Atlanta 109, Charlotte 104: Absolutely desperate to improve to 3-0 on the pre-season, Mike Woodson keeps Joe Johnson and Acie Law out on the court for 38 minutes each. Mike, if you want to keep your job, take Atlanta to the playoffs.

Cleveland 96, Detroit 90: LeBron scores 17 in 25 minutes, and Rasheed Wallace racks up another technical while bickering with Drew Gooden. Apparently it's never too early for Rasheed.

Houston 107, Panathinaikos 90: 7'7" Yao Ming starts at center against 6'8" Michael Batiste and only scores 20 points, shooting 7/13. Meanwhile, I guess I owe Steve Francis an apology. Dude can still jump.

Phoenix 110, Sacramento 99: Steve Nash only takes three shots in 26 minutes, but racks up 11 assists instead. Kevin Martin does shoot in 17 minutes, scoring 17. Kings have 17 assists, while the Suns have 28.

Golden State 109, LA Lakers 106: Warriors sweep pre-season doubleheader in Hawaii, but the Lakers say "fine, we'll just beat you guys in all four match-ups again this year." Kobe shoots 2/10 from the field and turns the ball over 5 times, so maybe he is just leading the Warriors on.

Wrapping up 10/10's pre-season action

2007-10-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

Checking box scores? That's as ridiculous as Bruce Springsteen's decision to rip off Tommy Tutone in "Radio Nowhere."

Boston 92, Minnesota 81: In the O2 Arena, famously known as the building where Queen Elizabeth II personally whipped poor people to make them build faster, Ray Allen lays down a beating of his own, scoring 28 points in 26 minutes. Ricky Davis scores 18, showing that he doesn't care how his team does, as long as he doubles Kevin Garnett's point production.

Indiana 101, New Orl/OKC 96: Mike Dunleavy unloads for 20 points, solidifying his status as a fantastic good summer league and pre-season player.

Orlando 123, Charlotte 99: Adam Morrison and JJ Redick go head to head, and the two combine for 30 points. Now let's see them try to combine for 5 points in the regular season.

Atlanta 106, Miami 100 (OT): Shaq looks good in 16 minutes, scoring 10 before plopping his ass back down on the bench. Penny Hardaway misses his second consecutive game with a right quadriceps strain, which probably means that he's holding out and refusing to play until Dorrell Wright forks over his precious #1 jersey number. On the flipside, the Hawks stymie the Heat in overtime, shutting them out 6-0. Dwyane Wade lobbied Pat Riley to at least let him cherry pick with a minute left, but to no avail.

Milwaukee 90, Utah 81: Yi Jianlian scores 12 points in 26 minutes, and only picks up four fouls! Sadly, he goes 4/11 from the field. Michael Redd says "watch how I do it" and scores 17 on 7/14 shooting.

Portland 111, LA Clippers 102: Travis Outlaw does his best Greg Oden impression. You know, not contributing to the Blazers at all. Meanwhile, LeMarcus Aldridge and Martell Webster fill the void, combining for 49 points.

Last Night's Box Scores

2007-10-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

Because you're lazier than a joke on CBS' Two and a Half Men, here's what you need to know about last night's pre-season games:

Washington 81, Cleveland 62: LeBron James finishes with three points, three turnovers -- and a fuck-you note from karma for wearing a Yankees hat in Cleveland during Game 1 of the ALDS -- in fifteen minutes of play. Gilbert Arenas fares marginally better, but one of his two made shots was a banked-in three to beat the half-time buzzer.

New Orleans 94, Houston 92: Steve Francis leads the Rockets to a 20 point victory, notching his fifteenth straight triple-double. My bad, that was a box score from 2001. Steve Francis plays only five minutes, turns the ball over twice, picks up two personal fouls, and manages to get a rebound despite being unable to jump more than three inches in the air. And in the head-to-head match-up of "guys who were out for the season but you occasionally forgot why they weren't playing," Peja Stojakovic bested Bonzi Wells, as Peja scores 13 to Bonzi's 11.

Milwaukee 93, Chicago 88: Yi Jianlian lasts as long as George O'Leary at Notre Dame, and fouls out in 15 minutes. Meanwhile, the Bulls play six rookies, including Joakim Noah (6 points, 4 rebounds, 6 assists, and a block and a steal) and Aaron Gray (10 points, 6 rebounds). When the hell are we going to see Luol Deng and Ben Gordon duke it out for who gets the max extension?

Dallas 88, San Antonio 67: Dallas finally plays lockdown defense over five months too late. Tony Parker, who's still on his honeymoon or some shit, didn't play, while Manu Ginobili and Matt Bonner each score 14. Jose Barea scores 13, but is only able to do so because no one feels like running after a fast motherfucker this early in the pre-season.

Denver 119, LA Clippers 107: The Nuggets and Clippers actually play a game worth paying attention to, as 12 players wind up in double figures. Sadly, nobody really gives a shit about eight of them. Melo scores 17, J.R. Smith adds 15, A.I. drops 11, and Marcus Camby decides not to share with the rookies, as he grabs 23 rebounds in 24 minutes to go along with 13 points. That's like Wilt Chamberlain territory right there -- that's got to be worth at least 8,000 PER points or something.

Sacramento 104, Seattle 98: The good news for Kevin Durant about being moved to shooting guard: he is bigger than most twos at 6'9" and 225 lbs. The bad news: the quick, little guys can scorch him. Durant scores 12 points in 20 minutes while matching up against Kevin Martin, but Martin puts up 27 in 22 minutes, and helps PJ Carlesimo get one step closer to getting choked again.

Golden State 112, LA Lakers 110: Kobe Bryant scores 17 in 21 minutes, and the reserves play the rest of the way. Meanwhile, Baron Davis survives a game without getting injured, and Kelenna Azibuike remembers how to score like he's playing against the NBDL again. Then again, the entire Lakers roster minus Kobe is an NBDL team.

Coming Soon... Join us for a tribute to our bought out legends......

2007-01-03T01:32:00.000-08:00

We love the Knicks. They're one of the flagship franchises with plenty of good memories. Sort of, those memories become distant with each passing day of ineptitude and make memories of comedy like heard any Larry Brown jokes lately or heard any payroll jokes lately. Therefore in our suggestion to boast sagging attendance at MSG we suggest the following promotional night.

Salary Cap fans, owner Jim Dolan proudly presents an historic night at MSG. Join us sometime in the future where we honor our past mistakes with "Bought out legends night". Special guests include Jalen Rose, Shandon Anderson and Maurice Taylor.

About the guests:

Jalen Rose - A former star with the Fab Five, who has played with Denver, Indiana, Chicago and Toronto. A solid role player for the low, low price of 16 million. Larry Brown insisted we get him last year from Toronto for Antonio Davis. He suggested the move without regard to the salary cap and when we decided that the ship had sailed on Brown it was time to cut the cord even it cost just 15 million to walk away. Jalen holds no grudges and would you? After all we just paid you to stay away. Only in the world of cablevision!

Maurice Taylor - By the time we got him, he had stopped in LA and Houston. He came highly recommended from old buddy Jeff Van Gundy and had some productive moments. But in the end, it was too much of a burden so we said here's a check for nine million now get the hell out of here and he sure did, signing with Sacramento.

Shandon Anderson - Talk about some good fortune. Not only does he get double income after being bought out, he gets the ring from being on the bench of Miami. It's ok, it was only eight million.

Other guests to include Jerome Williams, Allan Houston and your special phenomenal MC will be "Next Town" Larry Brown, who is always good for something here when he's not looking over someone else's shoulder (cough, cough, Maurice Cheeks).

If that night goes well, we will have personel error night. That is where we honor and bask in the mistakes of the past. Special guests are the following:

Keith Van Horn - A decent player but nowhere near the heart of Latrell Sprewell. Kind of showed how boring this team was.

Antonio McDyess - A hell of a nice guy but wouldn't Marcus Camby and Nene look better, especially since McDyess only played 10 games here.

Jerome James - Talk about cashing on a good two hours. One good playoff game and we were smitten. Good for five minutes per night with his plantar fascia.

J.R, you're my hero -- Nate's a punk..

2006-12-17T02:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know how the rest of the association views Nate Robinson. But if I'd had to guess, not many are texting Nate with the following: Yo Nate, what's up?. I'd imagine that based on some of Robinson's antics, there might be a line of people wanting to fight him. One might be the Lakers, remember that guy dunked and taunted them in a 40-point game. Another might the Cavs who watched him do some stupid dunk trick a few weeks ago.

One man who said, the hell with you little man was J.R. Smith. Smith gets a hard and possibly scripted foul from Mardy Collins and gets pissed and in comes Nate.

I'd guess, the script looks like this:

Robinson: Put up your dukes
Smith: xxxxx you little man
Robinson: it's go time!
Smith: Let's rumble

Afterwards Smith was non-committal while Robinson was pissed that four starters were still playing with a 20-point lead.

But perhaps when he checked his sidekick, he found some text messages

player x: yo, JR, you the man, Nate's a punk, drinks on me next time
player y: F-- Nate, he's fugazi
player g: yo, way to make a routine win entertaining
player r: doc rivers vs. kevin johnson was better
player s: at least no fans were involved
player a: holy #### 10 ejections!
player g: you've done what me and so many others wanted to do to that punk xxx

Conspiracy changes its spelling to right knee tendintis

2006-12-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

It's not exactly the who shot JR conspiracy on Dallas or that old JFK conspiracy theory, but isn't the timing of Steve Francis' right knee tendinitis interesting?

Why so interesting? Because by next week Jared Jefferies is coming back, at least that's the plan. And we've seen things where the Knicks might move Quentin Richardson to the two. That's shooting guard for you NBA fans. And guess who that might bench?

It would either bench Francis or Marbury. Francis doesn't seem to have issue being a reserve. Hell we wouldn't either with that type of money they get.

But that other guy might have some issue since the guy running the show is his boy. And if that happened, that might result of some more of these type expressions:

Again, nobody's taking any glee in a knee injury. Those things hurt. It just seems timed really well to save Zeke from hurting anyone's feelings and losing anyone like the way his team has lost the fans at MSG:

Chicken or Shrimp Sir?

2006-12-06T22:54:00.000-08:00

The next time you see Gilbert Arenas walking down the street, feel free to yell out "Hibachi".

In real life a hibachi is a traditional heating device from Japan. It consists of a round, cylindrical or a box-shaped open-topped container, made from or lined with a heatproof material and designed to hold burning charcoal and looks like this:

So how does this apply to the NBA. Recently one Gilbert Arenas started using the term as a way to express that he was heating up. Apparently he only did it at home but Tuesday found room on Amtrak to pack the grill. Maybe because he saw they were playing the Knicks, who get BBQed at home a lot either by the visiting teams or by their fans.

"You ever heard of a hibachi grill? "Tonight was all hibachi, baby. We were cooking chicken and shrimp." - Arenas in the Washington Post

I'm guessing nobody asked him which Knick was the chicken and the shrimp. It didn't matter who was who because the hibachi was cooking up a storm kind of like how these guys were:

Happy Birthday Larry Bird! Have some hibachi on us!

How Not to Play your final possession...

2006-11-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

Tonight, we sat down and watched most of the Knicks game against Cleveland. They actually won, fought and scrapped and all that other crap. But then we moved to the Nets game and saw the Celtics botch their final possession. Perhaps that's why Doc Rivers recently made up a fictional website - www.threeinrow.com - 11 days ago when they beat the Knicks. He should create a new one, botchfinalpossession.org. This site should be created after the Celtics completely messed up the final possession. Down by three, Wally Szcerbiak had a chance to win it with a 3-pointer. But for some reason drove baseline. Paul Pierce was a bit ticked and he held up three fingers. While at least Szcerbiak apologized to Doc, he definitely botched it. Watch this low-quality video:

And Now the Overpaid Man in the Middle - Jon Koncak

2006-11-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

I guess because of our Atlanta connection my good friend Sager's Savant offered me this opportunity to be a contributor here.

It's a long odyessy from my days at SMU, where I was one of the best centers in the nation. Maybe if Patrick Ewing were older, I'd have been the man! But the Hawks liked me enough to make the fifth pick in the 1985 draft. I guess they thought I was better than Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Karl Malone. Boy I fooled them. At least my career was longer than Uwe Blab's.

But those Hawk teams were real good, not that I had much to do with that with my career average of 4.5 points per game. Well it could have been worse had I not averaged 8.3 as a rookie. But at least I cashed out, getting 13 million from the Hawks in 1989.

That kind of money paved the way for the likes of Jim Mcllvaine and Jerome James and other mediocre talents in the association. Boy I had my ski-mask on that night..

These days, I'm letting that money sit. Although some of it goes to my cable company for that league pass package..

Sir Blinksalot

2006-11-16T02:21:00.000-08:00

Jamal Mashburn was a hell of a basketball player. Dropping at least 20 points was easily attainable for him when he was A) feeling it and B) not on the bench recovering from an injury. The injuries eventually derailed his career, and now at 33, Mash is exploring his post-NBA job options. We caught him breaking down teams and individual players on ESPN's NBA Fastbreak on Wednesday night, and we're pretty sure he's good. The problem is we had a hard time paying attention to what he was saying.

No, we weren't staring at the gap in his teeth, although that did transfix us a tiny bit. We actually couldn't focus because his eyelids were constantly moving. I mean holy shit, you'd think he was convinced that if he didn't blink every half a second, his head would explode.

Hey, at least Jamal can't be any worse than Timmy Hardaway, who just kind of sat there and mumbled something when asked a question.

Tickets costing you too much?

2006-11-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

Over here at DCSS, where our hourly wage is five dollars and fifteen cents less than minimum wage, we completely understand money problems. There's nothing like going to an NBA game live, but it's so damn expensive. So I've compiled the list of top five ways to make a profit at NBA games.

1) Sit next to someone who looks like they're going to throw something
No word yet on how much money that goofy guy with glasses who got abused by Ron Artest is going to get, but I'm willing to bet it's a lot. Anybody who has a mean look on their face, the same full drink for more than a quarter, and a loud mouth is a very liable candidate.

2)If a player looks mentally weak, rip away.
The way to tell if a player is mentally weak is if he looks like there's nothing else he'd rather be doing except playing basketball. Usually these guys are prone to snapping and running into the stands swinging just so they don't have to play for awhile. Try to stay away from racial slurs though, you don't want entire countries hating you. DCSS tip: Von Wafer, if he can get back into the league is a prime candidate.

3)Position yourself to where you think Kobe could dive into you
If this guy from Arkansas really ends up with seventy five thousand from Kobe because he claims to have gotten elbowed by Kobe when he ended up in the stands, Kobe should just keep some checks on the bench because everytime he goes into the stands it's gonna happen.

4)Forge a players signature on a ticket
This may work on only younger kids. I say that, because it happened to me. At a Spurs game I bought a ticket from a guy who swore David Robinson signed it during the autograph sesson before warmups. Too bad there is no autograph sesson before warmups, but props to the guy for creativity, this one deserves to be used by all.

5)Insult their rapping skill
Shaq, Kobe, Artest, and Webber are just some of the ones who this could work on, JJ Reddick too if his mixtapes ever get released. I haven't heard JJ, but I know for a fact that the rest are terrible. But not enough people tell them how much they suck, because they're scared. This may not get you any profit - but in the long run it could benefit everyone if it convinces them never to rap again. Although I'm sure Ron Artest's 343 CDs sold opening week is better than any diss.

Looking at Trends

2006-11-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

This season is about two weeks old, and already we are seeing some statistical surprises from certain players. We've gone through some stats and picked out some that you'll be able to impress your friends with.

1) Adonal Foyle is earning $8,125,000 this year, which breaks down to approximately $99,085 for each game. Foyle has played only ten minutes in seven games this year -- that's $693,595 for ten minutes of work. $69,359 for each minute he has played. Can you imagine working 40 hours a week at a rate like that?

2) The three worst players in the NBA according to John Hollinger's PER formula? Robert Hite of Miami has a -40.84 PER, Alan Henderson of Phildelphia has a -56.47 PER, and Mile Ilic of New Jersey takes it all with a -58.55 PER. Here is Hollinger's reference guide for PER:

A Year For the Ages: 35.0
Pretty good player: 15.0
On next plane to Yakima: 5.0

In order to judge the performance the worst players in basketball, we'll finish up the reference guide for you:

-10: Recently got schooled by a backup on the local AAU team.
-20: Is actually a professional curling player.
-30: Has never actually touched a basketball before. Shot ball in the wrong hoop to start his NBA career.
-40: Paraplegic.
-50: Paraplegic, and lobotomy was performed instead of a scheduled shoulder surgery.
-60: Todd Fuller.

3) Allen Iverson is on pace to turn the ball over 423 times. That would break an all-time record set by Artie Gilmore, who turned the ball over 366 times in 1978. That's kind of funny. Like the idea of Philly earning a playoff spot.

4) Adam Morrison kind of sucks. He shoots at a 36% clip and averages 2.6 rebounds despite playing 31.9 minutes a game. No need to cry over spilled draft picks though, Bernie Bickerstaff. You only picked Emeka Okafor over Dwight Howard, Sean May over about 30 other productive role players, and Morrison over Brandon Roy.

What did the five fingers say to the face?

2006-11-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

If only Dave Chapelle aired in Turkey, a punch could have been avoided.

Marcus Haislip is simply trying to revive his NBA career, but dignity takes precedence over resuscitating one's NBA career. What transpired against Fenerbahçe Ülker might hurt his chances of playing in the NBA, but after all, you just can't slap a man.

Haislip, who played with Milwaukee and Indiana over a three-year NBA career, went overseas to play with Efes Pilsen of the Turkish Basketball League this season. Things were going just fine up until yesterday, when a certain slap went too far.

The whole thing started when former Rockets draft pick Mirsad Türkcan pushed Haislip to get him out of rebounding position, and Haislip pushed back as they both began to jog back down the court after the made shot. We assume Turkish basketball players are taught to fight like girls, because Türkcan responded with a lady-like slap to the face. Haislip, whose lone pet peeve (along with Charlie Murphy) is getting his face slapped, threw a devastating right hook that sent Türkcan back a few steps. We don't condone punching here at DCSS, but come on, you slapped a man, Türkcan.

"First of all, you don't slap a man. I mean, even when slapping was fashionable -- you know, they did it in Paris -- some guy would come up 'I challenge you to a duel.' They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go!"

DW8 > CP3?

2006-11-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

We're not ready to say one is better than the other, but we're ready to apologize to the Utah Jazz. Maybe you should too. On Draft Day 2005, the Utah Jazz traded up to the #3 spot in order to pick Deron Williams, sending the #6 overall pick, the #27 overall pick, and a future first rounder to Portland. The Jazz opted for Williams because of his "NBA body" at 6'3" and 210, and decided against picking Paul because he was only 6'0" and 175 pounds. The pick of Williams over Paul wasn't scorned like a certain Knicks draft pick, but only a few games into the season, the common thought was that the Jazz would live to regret their selection. Hell, the guy became hot shit so quickly, he even picked up a lame ass nickname of "CP3."

Paul won the Rookie of the Year award in a landslide last year, picking up 124 of the 125 first place votes. Though Williams finished sixth in the ROY voting, he had the only other first place vote. Paul led all rookies in points (16.1), assists (7.8), and steals (2.2), while Williams averaged 10.8 points, 4.5 assists, and 0.8 steals. Our best guess for what merited a first place vote for Williams? He was tied for the fewest ejections by all rookies with zero.

This year, however, we're seeing a whole new Deron. Through seven games, Williams is averaging 17 points, 8.7 assists, 1.6 steals, and has a 3.2 to 1 A/TO ratio. Paul has also played seven games, and is averaging 19.4 points, 9.1 assists, 1.5 steals, and has a 2.5 to 1 A/TO ratio.

While Deron also has the numbers, he's also pretty clutch. Last night against Milwaukee, the Jazz pulled off an impressive road victory thanks in large part to Williams. Michael Redd hit a three pointer with 7 seconds left to tie the game at 111, but Deron ran it right on back down the court. Matt Harpring, standing in the corner, saw a hole and cut down the baseline, and Deron Williams found him for the game-winning basket.

It may be early in the season, but Williams certainly seems to have turned the corner. So in order to commemorate what appears to be a breakout year for Williams, we'd first like to apologize to the Jazz for talking shit about their decision not to draft Chris Paul. In order to make up for saying things like "Kevin O'Connor is senile," we'd like to help the Jazz by giving Deron a nickname. Since the trend of nicknames for point guards from the 2005 NBA Draft is "first name initial + last name initial + jersey number," we are officially nominating "DW8" for Deron Williams.

This makes us lame too? Fine, let's see what everyone else has.

Other suggestions:
The Sheriff

In an interview with the Daily Illini -- an interview littered with questions that were every bit as boring as the answers -- Deron shed light on a possible nickname:

Q: If you played and-1, what would your nickname be?
A: They call me The Sheriff because I lock people up.

Also asked in the interview: "If you could trade bodies with a teammate who would it be?" and "What are the biggest negatives when a young player jumps to the NBA early?" We have reason to believe a four year old conducted this interview, so on principle alone, we think "The Sheriff" should probably be thrown out the window.

D-Will

OwnTheDraft.com's 2005 Mock Draft explains:

Nickname: D-Will (like J-Kidd, we couldn't think of anything better)

I'm pretty sure Marcus Williams has first dibs on the (Firstinitial)-Will nickname as he's Kidd's teammate, so that wouldn't stick either.

Whatever. Someone else come up with a better nickname or else let's just say Deron sucks.

Hoopshype Insight 11/9

2006-11-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

To summarize the first ten links: Larry Brown asked for over fifty million, got eighteen and a half.

Talk about a coincidence. First Larry can't get anywhere near half of what he wanted out of his players, then the same thing happens while negotiating his buyout with the team. Not real sure who got the best of this deal. I'd have to say Larry, despite Dolan having to dish out substantially less cash than most anticipated. The Knicks are going to continue to be a mess until 2020, and by that time Larry will probably have gotten the Bobcats into the playoffs twice.

The Mavs Continue the Losing Streak

I knew at some point that the Mavs would begin to zone out Avery Johnson, because that voice is just too annoying to tolerate. Dirk Nowitzki is bound to be tired after playing in the NBA finals and the World Basketball Classic, but unfortunately they don't have the scoring to make things easy on him. It's kinda tough when you're always playing 4 on 5 offensively, since Diop and Dampier are always in.

Thomas said Wednesday he and Karl are "fine," but he'd prefer Karl focus on the Nuggets.

Back when he was playing basketball in Illinois, Isiah's brothers used to critique him after every game, and because of it he became one of the greatest of all-time. It appears now that Isiah is refusing to listen to any critiques, becoming one of the worst coaches/GMs all time. Someone should point this out to him, but he'd probably recommend you leave the destruction of the Knicks to him.

Dear Craig

2006-11-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Craig,
I was taking the test to get my driver's permit last week, and I came upon a question about the legal blood alcohol percentage while driving. The possible answers were .01, .05, .08, and .10. I recalled from a post on this blog that Eric Musselman was over the legal limit of .08, so I went with that. It was wrong - the answer was .01 because the question was about the legal limit before turning 21. What do you have to say about this?
-- Barely got his permit in California

Dear Barely got his permit in California,
Thanks, Kevin. Kobe told me before the game that he is contributing all of the money he makes in the fifth minute of the second quarter to a battered women's shelter in Los Angeles. Jennifer Green, who manages the shelter, says she met Kobe during an event sponsored by Lakers owner Jerry Buss. Green said that even though Buss forced Kobe to donate the money despite numerous childish protests in front of hundreds of community leaders, it was still a very generous offer. Back to you, Kevin and Doug.

-----

Dear Craig,
My wife and I are having a small issue with something. She thinks that it's ridiculous that I would spend all of Thursday on the couch amped up for your courtside reporting. It's supposed to be "my night to cook" or something, but that's insane, yeah? I might not work, and she might work two shifts, but she obviously doesn't understand. How can I make her see the way of Sager?
-- Trying to balance the wife and the Sager

Dear Trying to balance the wife and the Sager,
Kevin, I talked with Gilbert Arenas before the game, but he seemed especially jittery. Gilbert didn't seem to be paying attention to a few questions I had about tonight's game, so I asked him if everything was alright. As it turns out, he forgot to do his routine of doing a somersault, eating half of a turkey sandwich and kicking the other half off a balcony, pimpslapping a peacock, and crashing a car into a fire hydrant, all starting at 5:03 AM. It's quite possible that missing part of his daily routine has contributed to Gilbert missing all of his 25 attempts tonight. Back to you.

You too can ask Craig a question! E-mail your questions, anecdotes, or complaints to sager.savant@gmail.com

HoopsHype Insight - 11/3

2006-11-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

Another gem from the NBA's little pamphlet on the Collective Bargaining Agreement: players who test positive for marijuana enter the "Marijuana Program." The second time you get fined, and have to re-enter the "Marijuana Program." The third time, you get suspended for five games, and, you guessed it, go back into the "Marijuana Program." The fact that players have indeed been suspended five games for marijuana makes me think that whatever happens in the "Marijuana Program" might make a good sitcom.

(Gothamist via TrueHoop)

Cliff Robinson: So, uh... why are we here again?
Christian Laettner: Man... this is like...
Isiah Rider: Yeah, I'm not even in the NBA anymore.
Just-a-little-too-cheery-chick: We're all here today because you're NBA players with substance abuse problems!
Laettner: Crazy. It's crazy.
Cliff Robinson: I got no problems, man.
Rider: Hello? I'm not in the NBA anymore.
Laettner: Did you hear me? I said THIS IS CRAZY.
Robinson: YOU got problems, man. I'm good.
Rider: I'm... going to leave now.
Just-a-little-too-cheery-chick: Just calm down! This isn't crazy, and we're going to solve your problems today.
Robinson: I've been here like three times. You think I'm gonna suddenly change my mind?
Laettner: THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY.
Rider: Alright. Leaving.

Mark Madsen on whether he has worked on his three-point shot since last season: "I've been working on my outside shot the last three years. I'm telling the coaching staff that I'm ready. They tell me to be patient. (Coach) Dwane Casey keeps telling me to be patient. I tell Dwane, 'I'll be patient.'"

We're talking about the same Mark Madsen, right? The one who on the last game of last season missed seven threes because the Timberwolves wanted to lose the game for a better draft spot? The one who was 1/15 in that game? Look, if the Timberwolves are trying to get Greg Oden, then the "let Madsen shoot" strategy is fine.

HoopsHype Insight - 11/2

2006-11-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

Finally expected to receive major minutes for the first time in four years, Milicic is hoping to prove to the Magic that he is worth a contract in the neighborhood of $60 million. Milicic will be a restricted free agent next summer, meaning the Magic can match any offer that he receives from another team. "We had a couple of conversations with (agent Marc Cornstein) the last couple of weeks, but it was never something I could go to bed and sleep with," Smith said. "We weren't that far apart. We just determined that it wasn't in the best interest of our organization to enter into an extension based on 30 games (from last season)."

Darko wants HOW MUCH? Otis Smith is essentially saying "look, we like the guy, but the day that 7.6 points, 4 rebounds, and 2 blocks a game in 30 games for us means $60 million is the same day that we start playing five guards." Can't say that Cornstein doesn't deserve some credit for trying, but hell. The Warriors may have given Adonal Foyle a shitload of money, but even they're not stupid enough to give Darko $60 million over any number of years.

The same article also points out that JJ Redick and Grant Hill share lockers right next to each other "not just because the two hail from Duke University. The Magic are hoping that Hill can serve as a mentor for Redick..." That's gotta be great news to Magic fans. The King of Injuries is a "mentor" to a guy whose NBA career has started on the inactive list because of injuries to his back and left foot. All Orlando needs to do is bring Penny Hardaway back on a one-year deal and give him the locker on the other side of Redick.

But the longest serving Raptor, swingman Morris Peterson, hopes to create a buzz of his own, by making the all-star team. "I think it's possible," Peterson said last night. "I just have to keep working to help the team get better. If we start winning, who knows what will happen."

Darko wants $60 million and MoPete thinks he can make the All-Star game with a scoring average of 16.8 points? This edition of HoopsHype Insight is brought to you by Crazy Juice. Peterson is a good scorer, but if we had to choose between him and Gilbert Arenas... This doesn't even deserve an analogy, it's such an easy choice.

Amaré Stoudemire is searching for answers. And french fries. Ninety minutes before tip-off, the man who received a $10 million check this week courtesy of the maximum contract he signed last year, is digging into a McDonald's bag. "No comment," he said Wednesday before the Suns beat the Los Angeles Clippers 112-104. "I hope you can respect that." Stoudemire was reacting to a question about his limited playing time in the team's season-opening loss to the Lakers Tuesday.

If a man's hungry, a man's hungry. And if a man's rehab involves a fucking double quarter pounder, then that's what a man's gotta do, alright?

Sager Points: Week 1

2006-10-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

Your weekly ranking of NBA teams are done by Sager Points, which involves a complex formula that would put the BCS to shame. In addition to the total points and a brief description, we will also have a guest share their thoughts on each team every week. In honor of his movie coming out on November 3rd, Borat will be our very first special guest.

Here is week one:

1) Miami Heat: 830,001
The Heat are coming off a world (NBA?) championship, and God damn it, that means they’re number one. The decision to waive Vincent Grier off their roster almost dropped the Heat below the Mavs, but we just couldn’t drop them to number two.

Borat says: Hello? How you type this thing? I do not understand computer, in my country we have morse code.

2) Dallas Mavericks: 750,549
Though the Mavericks lost the NBA finals to the Heat, we fully expect them to recover. Any team with Dirk and Steve Nash can recover quickly. Wait, they don’t have Nash? They’re fucked.

Borat says: I write out English letters on keyboard? OK I ready! Erick Dampier remind me much of myself. He like to sit on bench and eat burger.

3) San Antonio Spurs: 730,802
Francisco Elson: the free agent signing that will rule them all.

Borat says: I do not understand Tony Parker when he talks. I too busy thinking about crepes.

4) Detroit Pistons: 701,411
They lose Big Ben, but locking him up long-term would have destroyed this team down the road. The Pistons might be an even better team offensively this year, and while Nazr Mohammed is a step down, their bench is just a little bit deeper -- that’ll pay dividends down the road.

Borat says: Rip Hamilton wear very scary mask. I once put mask on scarecrow to scare Jews away from my house, it not work very well.

5) Chicago Bulls: 681,999
They gain Big Ben and dump Chandler -- a move we’d take any day of the week. With Hinrich auditioning for max dollars, the Bulls will get the most out of him at a good time. Except for the fact, you know, they’ll have to give him that money if he does well.

Borat says: Kirk Hinrich remind me of when I was boy. I pasty white and look like elf, but then I grow mustache.

6) Phoenix Suns: 620,512
Fine, Amare’s back, but let’s see him last a full season. He’d be wise to wait a few more months and wait out the knee pain, especially since he has his contract extension already. They’re a sexy pick to win it all, but again, I don’t see them doing it without Amare.

Borat says: Steve Nash nice guy on that commercial I see on TNT, I like him lots! Back to back MP3 mean he special!

7) Cleveland Cavaliers: 511,501
The truth is that LeBron LeBron LeBron, LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron. So we think LeBron LeBron LeBron. If LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron, then LeBron.

Borat says: Zydrunas from Lithuania, close to Kazakhstan! He lead Cavaliers to championship!

8) Los Angeles Clippers: 499,115
Sam Cassell and Chris Kaman give the Clippers the ugliest team in the NBA, but it’s the buckets scored that count, not how much you vomit when you see Kaman’s nappy ass hair on TV.

Borat says: Donald Sterling like Kazakh apartment owner, he kick out Jews from apartments!

9) New Jersey Nets: 430,585
Kidd, Vince, and RJ should be enough to help the Nets win the division, but if Toronto or Boston get hot down the stretch, they might shock someone. Maybe. Possibly. Eh, we’ll take the Nets.

Borat says: New Jersey remind me of Kazakh city Pavlodar. Gray skies, bad water, ugly women.

10) Denver Nuggets: 390,875
The Nuggets are the Smith capital of the world with J.R. and Joe, but this year rides on a lot of “if’s.” If Kenyon Martin doesn’t be a bitch. If the Nuggets finally solve their shooting guard woes with J.R. Smith. If Marcus Camby doesn’t go down for eight weeks with a lacerated nipple.

Borat says: One time I eat Kazakh style meal with Earl Boykins, but he decide not to eat delicacy of fried fertilizer with side of potatos! No appetite!

11) Sacramento Kings 374,202
We know Bibby’s hurt, and a three game road trip to start the season isn’t fun, but the Kings are pretty stacked in every position. Eric Musselman may drink in excess, but he’s a hell of a coach.

Borat says: I am told it is called Cowtown. In my country all towns are nicknamed Cowtown.

12) Los Angeles Lakers: 320,385
We know Kobe’s also hurt, but it might be only for one or two games. Phoenix would probably beat the Lakers anyway, but their next five games are against Golden State, Seattle, Seattle again, Minnesota, and Portland. That’s enough time for Kobe to put up 400 points and get the Lakers back up to 5-1.

Borat says: If Kobe touch me in bad place, why complain, he rich and famous!

13) Washington Wizards: 311,126
Gilbert Arenas is fucking crazy. Not Jim-Carrey-as-Riddler-in-Batman-Forever crazy, but Jack-Nicholson-in-The-Shining crazy.

Borat says: I once was fan of Wizards but Popeye Jones leave for ugliest man alive competition.

14) New Orleans Hornets: 282,731
This team goes as CP3 goes. Peja’s 2/10 nights will start pissing off Hornets fans soon, though.

Borat says: Hilton Armstrong have neck like giraffe. Chris Paul have legs of grasshopper.

15) Houston Rockets: 260,132
Yao Ming and T-Mac are healthy. For now. They could drop to 28th by the time this season is over.

Borat says: I once see video of Mutombo shaking his finger after block shot. That make me never want to shoot basketball.

16) Utah Jazz: 243,298
Opening week could be the only week of the season that the Jazz are healthy. Because of that, they should have a good week and get people's hopes up before Kirilekno and Boozer miss their annual month.

Borat says: We say AK47 is step-child in Kazakhstan, we have to like only because he is somewhat related to us and we have no one else to root for.

17) Orlando Magic: 184,593
And so begins Dwight Howard's year long journey to becoming the best big man in the league. Two non playoff teams, followed by a great match up against the Spurs and Tim Duncan. Don't be shocked if they start 3-0.

Borat says: In my country, asking for a “Darko” gets you beheaded.

18) Indiana Pacers: 140,593
As long as they keep the distractions to a minimum, they should get off to a good start. That means you can’t go punch Rick Carlisle in the face, Sarunas Jasikevicius.

Borat says: Stephen Jackson arrested for shooting gun at bad guy? In my country he get key to city!

19) Memphis Grizzlies: 120,492
With Pau Gasol out, the Grizzlies will look to Rudy Gay to help carry the load somewhat on offense. Anyone who saw him play at UConn knows this is a bad start for a team that is on the decline with Jerry West on his way out.

Borat says: Gay? No I cannot talk about this one it is forbidden in my country.

20) Golden State Warriors: 105,932
Don Nelson! Don Nelson’s coaching! Wait, twenty other teams have small ball lineups too? Ah well, 35 wins it is.

Borat says: I hear Patrick O’Bryant makes fantastic cakes. Is it possible to have him make me one or will he be busy sitting on bench?

21) Milwaukee Bucks: 102,190
Bucks: Andrew Bogut is hurt, Villanueva is struggling, Bobby Simmons hasn't lived up to expectations. This list goes on and on, but at least they're guaranteed to score 25 points with Michael Redd every night!

Borat says: What happen to Villanueva’s head? What is this alopecia? I think I get that from prostitute last year, so how come I still have hair then?

22) Minnesota Timberwolves: 89,010
Sadly, the Timberwolves could be down here for awhile. Maybe it’s time to move KG and get what you can for him. Or try to make a playoff run and watch his trade value diminish!

Borat says: Mark Madsen dance like me, except less sexy when he doe sit.

23) Toronto Raptors: 85,932
Mike James is out of there, but the Raptors pick up a more pure point guard in T.J. Ford. If he stays healthy, then this team could be Bryan Colangelo’s newest playoff team.

Borat says: Canada is much like Kazakhstan. Like Canada to USA, we are Russia’s bitch too.

24) Boston Celtics: 79,312
The Celtics have a great young backcourt, but they have a sketchy young frontcourt. This team needs some time to develop, but Paul Pierce isn’t around forever.

Borat says: Tell Brian Scalabrine please never come back to Kazakhstan, they think redhair man is devil.

25) Philadelphia 76ers: 60,090
A.I. and Chris Webber combine to score 60 points each night, but they need 80 shots to do it. This is why they will lose 45 games again this year.

Borat says: Iverson is big, big, big in Kazakhstan! All Kazakh people think he is 30 feet tall because he is on billboard.

26) Seattle Supersonics: 30,583
Never have I seen a team look so discombobulated on the court. Immediately after tipoff, Ray Allen’s trying to score, Rashard Lewis is trying to dunk, and Earl Watson and Luke Ridnour are fighting over who’s the real point guard. They’re a fun team to play against for sure though, because you’ll win 115-100 every night.

Borat says: Danny Fortson once shake my hand and introduce himself. NBA suspend him for one game for flagrant foul.

27) New York Knicks: 10,182
Poor Isiah -- he only has 8 months left until James Dolan fires him for Larry Brown.

Borat says: I go to Madison Square Garden once and sit very close. The cheerleaders would not take money to come home with me!

28) Portland Trail Blazers: 2
This team will never go anywhere with Zach Randolph starting, we mean it. Give Brandon Roy the ball 80 times a night, that would be much more interesting. They’d only lose by 40 this way.

Borat says: Headquarters of Nike shoes near Portland basketball team, yes? That is similar to big Kazakh company that sells fried rooster only kilometers from our professional cockfighting team!

29) Atlanta Hawks: -843
Speedy Claxton is a good ballplayer. But he should never, in any circumstances, be the starting point guard on any team. Unless you’re the Hawks and have to start him by default. Seriously, how many other teams in the league have had point guard woes for as long as the Hawks have?

Borat says: Josh Childress have crazy hair! I try growing hair out like that to match mustache, but I only end up with mullet.

30) Charlotte Bobcats: -1,509
We called out a few guys who performed well in the pre-season that you shouldn’t get excited about. Well we want to say that Adam Morrison shooting 36% in 8 pre-season games is no big deal, and maybe it isn’t, but we don’t want to hear “bust” for a few years, alright?

Borat says: Adam Morrison and I share very good mustaches. I wonder if he like me. I attract all good prostitutes .

Fight the Hype

2006-10-30T22:29:00.000-08:00

The Brian Chases of the world get to see 20 minutes in the pre-season, while the Derek Fishers sit and chill and rest those creaky knees. It's also the best time of the year for younger guys who are trying to move up the depth chart. Sometimes those guys play in over their heads and score 20 points, but half the time it's against a team that doesn't have any of its top eight players. Here are some guys who performed well in the pre-season that you probably shouldn’t get all that excited about.

Sebastian Telfair, PG, Celtics:
Bassy averaged 15 points, 4.1 assists, and 1.63 steals in 8 games this pre-season. Not only that, but his field goal percentage was 53.6%, and he shot 61.5% on three pointers. In two years with the Blazers, Telfair shot a career 39.4% from the field and 32% from long distance. We'd like to think that he's turned the corner, mainly so the Celtics fans we know won't run around screaming like Manny Ramirez just broke a toenail and is out for the year. But it's hard to believe that Telfair has made "the jump" in just eight pre-season games while playing against the Knicks and Raptors in half of 'em.

Marcus Williams, PG, Nets:
Oh, we think Williams is going to be a star one day and that teams will regret letting him drop, but it's not gonna happen this year with Jason Kidd starting ahead of him. Williams averaged 16 points and 7 assists in six pre-season games, but the guy did average 3.5 turnovers a game. He's going to lead a basketball team down the line, but Williams is as likely to have a breakout rookie season as 'Til Death is likely to make a second season. Oh, hey, we still like Brad Garrett!

Jason Maxiell, SF body, but PF game, Pistons:
In the post-Ben Wallace era, they call Maxiell “Ben Lite.” 16 points, 6 rebounds, and a whopping 1.1 blocks in eight pre-season games makes him fun to watch against second stringers, but Elton Brand would have a field day scoring on and defending Maxiell in the regular season. A tweener frame of 6’7” and 260 is just fine at the University of Cincinnati, but the only thing we think he’ll have in common with Wallace this season is his low free throw percentage.

Nene, PF, Nuggets:
We don’t like Nene; we think he’s a prick because he thinks he’s so big that he can drop “Hilario” from his name. And just because he averages 9.2 points and 6.4 rebounds a game this pre-season doesn’t mean he’s going to break out and have a big year. Everyone keeps expecting Nene to start putting up Amare Stoudemire numbers, but when not tearing his ACL on the first day of the season, he’s only putting up 12 and 6. Don’t get us wrong, we’d take 12/6 from our backup big guy, but don’t get suckered into giving up too much for this guy in your fantasy league.

Ime Udoka, G/F, Blazers:
This is a nice story. Udoka has played only twelve games in two NBA seasons, and yet he made the Blazers’ opening day squad as a late addition to the pre-season roster. In five games, he averaged 12.2 points, 3.2 rebounds, 2.6 assists, and 2.4 steals. But even the Knicks dumped him last season -- the Knicks. The Blazers love Udoka’s perimeter defense and have even flirted with the idea of starting him at shooting guard, but it's hard to believe he's going to stun the world in the regular season.

Anthony Roberson and Dajuan Wagner, SG, Warriors
Roberson shot 53% and averaged 15.3 points, and Dajuan Wagner averaged 13.4 points on 47.9% from the field. That’s cool and all, but we’re talking about the Warriors here. I think John Starks led them in scoring not too long ago.

Wagner, the fourth shooting guard on the depth chart, hasn’t shot well since he left high school. Even at Memphis, Wagner shot only 41% from the field. We want to see him light it up before we’re convinced that he can live up to being selected #6 overall.

Roberson is never going to get shot attempts behind Richardson, Ellis, Pietrus, and Wagner. When you’re the fifth shooting guard on the depth chart on a team that hasn’t made the playoffs since Bob Dole had two arms, it’s not going to happen. Hey, free airfare!

6 Digit Love for Yi

2006-10-26T01:58:00.000-07:00

Chinese baller Yi Jianlian is somewhere between 18 and 44 years of age, but he's a lock for a top ten pick in the 2007 NBA Draft if he decides to stay in. In China, where they breed basketball players like Kazakhstan breeds reporters, Yi is one of the most popular names in the sport behind Yao Ming and David Hasselhoff. However, in one very, very rich girl's heart, Yi is number one. As sweet as that may sound, what follows will probably just piss you off. According to SINA, a girl from Beijing purchased the domain YiJianLian.com for $165,000 USD.

We don't want to criticize the financial decisions made by people we don't know -- as crazy as they might be. But we certainly would have offered alternative and cheaper suggestions for domain names. For just a few bucks a year, this girl could have selected between HelpFeedLatrellSprewellsChildren.org, ShaqTriedArrestingMeForChildPorn.com, or something simple like TheNewBasketballFuckingSucks.com.

Oh yeah, just so you know, we translated the page using Babelfish on AltaVista. Our favorite translated quote from the article is as follows:

Once turns on the phonograph, Yi Chienlien is the very good conversation object. "I specially want to go to Hawaii, the seashore feeling very well, blue sky sea that kind of feeling relaxes very much, fishes to the abysmal region specially is definitely crisp!"

To end on a serious note, if any of you bastards register the domain www.donningcraigsagerssuit.com, we're coming after you and will send you to the abysmal region.

Hoopshype Insight 10/25

2006-10-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

In case some of ya'll have been wondering where I've been - I recommend you try to create those whack suits Craig wears and see how much free time you have. I did, however, have the time to think of the name for this feature, but Savant must have forgotten to mention that...

New York Knickerbockers President of Basketball Operations and Head Coach Isiah Thomas announced today that the team has signed free agent center Kelvin Cato to a contract. As per club policy, terms of the deal were not announced.

Never understimate the amount of crappy big men Isiah wants on his team. Apparently Jerome James isn't getting the job done, although that's hard to because Isiah was sold on this guy. Oh wait, this is a seven footer who averaged less than four boards and had one good playoff series - it's not a surprise at all. Thanks for the blogging material Isiah, we owe most of our success to you.

What do you think Nelson's trying to tell you by showing you Nash and Bibby tape? BARON DAVIS: For me, it's the little things to help me improve as a player.

Hate to break this to you Baron, but that's not it. The Nash footage is a subliminal message to pass the freaking ball, and the Bibby footage is trying to get you to pick up on shooting straight up instead of falling back so much. Safe to say this didn't work.

"He just hasn't made a difference," Coach Hill said referring to Chris Wilcox in what seems to be the first public acknowledgment Wilcox' play has been disappointing this off season.

Really? This is another shocker. A guy whose only good play came when he was up for a contract extension. His apathy towards basketball isn't too surprising, because he's been disappointing since he set foot in Los Angeles from Maryland. Hate to tell you this Seattle, but you've been had.

HoopsHype Insight - 10/24

2006-10-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today begins a new era here at DCSS, not just because Paul Shirley was cut by a world record eighteenth team, but because a weekdaily (hey, if Mark Cuban can make up words, so can we) feature is about to begin.

Every day, one of your respective Sager Hosts will be taking a few articles from the awesome HoopsHype NBA Rumors page and providing commentary. Here is the Tuesday, October 24th edition.

Rockets head coach Jeff Van Gundy is a former protégé, with many of the same characteristics, of the Heat's Pat Riley. "Both teams are very similar," said Yao Ming. "They both have an inside player and an outside player, a great shooter on the perimeter. What they have on us right now is experience and decision-making.

Yao Ming's toe infection may have spread to his brain, because comparing his Rockets to the Heat is like Stephen Baldwin comparing himself to Alec Baldwin. Yao is right in that the Rockets and Heat have great centers and backcourt scoring machines, but the comparisons end there. The Rockets were a sexy pick to make a deep playoff run around this time last year, but they flopped harder than Vlade Divac with Spud Webb coming down the lane. Their offense tanked once Yao and T-Mac missed a bunch of games with injuries, and it wouldn't be a surprise to see one or both of them do it again this year. The Heat? Yeah, they kind of won the NBA Championship. Same thing though, right?

[Mark] Price said [Shane] Heal wanted [Todd] Fuller axed from the day the Australian Olympian arrived at the club, telling Price he was not suited to the league. Fuller was cut yesterday as part of the Dragons purge which also claimed Price after a 0-5 start to the club's life in the NBL.

It sucks to be Mark Price, but an 0-5 start combined with fighting with your team's best player (and a four-time Olympian for Australia) is bound to get you fired. It sucks just a little bit harder to be Todd Fuller, one of the biggest duds in NBA Draft history. The 31 year old Fuller, who suckered the Warriors into taking him with the 11th overall pick in the 1996 Draft, was actually putting up good numbers for the Dragons before getting released. You know the team is now in trouble when they practically beg for a big man on their website:

"Todd Fuller, one of the two Dragon’s American imports, has been released, and the club is currently searching for a replacement player."

It has been indicated either Michael Olowokandi, Luke Jackson or Allan Ray will have to go. But coach Doc Rivers reiterated yesterday it would be tough to let go of a veteran big man with Theo Ratliff still out (back strain). Ray, an impressive shooter who also might fit into the point guard rotation, is one they’d like to keep. Jackson is a good shooter in a crowded field.

We've heard from the Celtics how much they love Ray and his shooting, but he's kinda shooting 25.8% from the field in seven pre-season games... When Kobe averages more points per game in the regular season than you shoot from the field, your chances aren't that hot. The Kandi man is always going to have a job because he's seven feet tall, but he's as awful as big men come. And Luke Jackson -- ugh. How does a shooter have a career average of 34.8%?

Keeping Kandi might make some sense, as Kendrick Perkins would otherwise be the only healthy center on Boston's opening day roster. However, there's no room for Ray and Jackson on the roster, and there's the tiny fact that they're both unfit for the NBA game. If we were Danny Ainge, we'd have a gladiator-style fight between Ray and Jackson, and then promptly waive the one player who remained alive. That would be good drama right there.

Eric Musselman Drinking Scale

2006-10-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

Another misdemeanor charge sent shockwaves through the NBA this weekend, as Kings coach Eric Musselman was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. At 2:15 in the morning, Musselman was pulled over after making a right turn from a left-hand lane -- give him credit, that's hard to do even when sober -- while cutting off a car in the process. Musselhead-- excuse us, Musselman was clocked at 0.11 percent (the legal limit of blood alcohol content (BAC) in the state of California is 0.08 percent) which was good enough to earn a free trip to Sacramento County Main Jail. According to the DMV's official website for a guy who's about 5'7" and 150 pounds (we were probably generous on both counts), two drinks per hour will put you at 0.08 percent BAC.

Using anonymous sources familiar with the situation, eight impatient bank tellers, and three raccoons eating trash, we created the Eric Musselman Drinking Scale, which should help give you an idea of the events that led up to Musselman's arrest.

Half a beer: 0.02 (out of 0.08) BAC: You took about fifteen sips of beer, and your cheeks are already turning a little red. Suddenly the thought of coaching Ron Artest doesn't seem so bad, and you're looking forward to the opportunity to do so in the regular season.

One beer: 0.04 (out of 0.08) BAC: It's your turn to buy a round for your friends, and you're not very happy about it. There's no need for blame, but you're convinced it's Ron Artest's fault. That guy is a fucker; you hate him. If he were right there in front of you, you'd punch him right in his face.

Beer and a half: 0.06 (out of 0.08) BAC: You haven't felt this tipsy since you drank after the Warriors fired you for winning games a few years back, but it's cool, dude. Wait a sec! You're hella' talking like you're from Northern California! This is awesome, you haven't lost it one bit! Speaking of awesome, your job is going to be really easy too. You have that workhorse Ron Artest and one of the top point guards in the league in Mike Bibby. Bibby's totally awesome, but that stupid Team Dime posse just has to go. Wait, is that guy white or black, anyway?

Two beers: 0.08 (out of 0.08) BAC: You're beginning to regret the thought of drinking in the first place. This is all Brad Miller's fault. Man, if you had the chance right now, you'd walk up to that little bitch and punch him in the back. But you wouldn't miss like that big oaf Shaq. How are you gonna stop the Diesel anyway? Ah who cares, he's in the Eastern Conference, so you only play the Heat twice a year. Keep on swigging, E-Muss.

Two and a half beers: 0.10 (out of 0.08) BAC: You can't remember your name, you're getting really dizzy, and you still have to drive home tonight. After belting karaoke to Kelly Clarkson, you finally remember that you're Isaiah Thomas and begin cursing loudly at Greg Anthony -- who is not there. Why did that prick have to talk shit about your selection of Renaldo Balkman anyway? Whatever, that clown has been gunning for a General Manager job for years, and yet he has no clue how hard it is to randomly choose who to use draft picks on. Your friends keep calling you Eric, which pisses you off, because you're pretty sure your nickname is Zeke, and they sound nothing the fuck alike.

Three beers: 0.12 (out of 0.08 BAC: You've been told you're actually Eric Musselman, and having thought you were someone else freaks you out enough to stop drinking. However, you're thoroughly bombed, and want to call some friends to let them know you love them. You only get Gavin Maloof's voicemail, and this is not cool with you. You redial his number fifteen more times, and each voicemail you leave is more belligerent than the one before it. After a rambling tirade about wanting chicken pot pie at the locker room buffet after each home game, you call up Joe Maloof instead. It turns out that Joe is partying with Jessica Alba, and he does not appreciate being interrupted. You get him to tell you he loves you, which isn't too much to ask for, right? Content with your barrage of drunk dials to the Maloof brothers and your mother-in-law, you set forth in your car. Driving straight is boring, so you decide to work on your turn skills. You have already mastered making left-hand turns from the right lane, so you decide to refine the skill of making right-hand turns from the left lane.

Edvertising Feilure

2006-10-18T00:51:00.000-07:00

Teaming up with an ESPN service to get to try to give your new brand a boost? We've already seen one pay-for-our-shit service from ESPN go down the drain. ESPN Mobile worked about as well as Larry Brown in New York -- both lost about $40 million by admitting the project was a failure. Undeterred by ESPN Mobile's collapse, Philips is teaming up with ESPN to provide Insider news for free every so often throughout the next couple of months. As you might have expected, however, this couldn't have gone off without a minor hitch somewhere. It's not just that ESPN Insider is awful -- their NBA "insiders" don't really extend past Chad Ford -- but even the advertisements about their service are sloppy, too.

Exhibit A:

Maybe the Clippers are signing an unknown undrafted free agent named Kamen to a $50 million deal, maybe ESPN's NBA Rumor Central once reported that a Kamen is getting $50 million, or maybe Chris changed his name in the off-season. At least they didn't do something like this.

The Top Five NBA Players Who Should Never Inked Up

2006-10-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

Tattoos adorn many basketball players and showcase their personality. Then there are some NBA players who probably shouldn't be sporting any. Sonics Center Robert Swift crossed that line sometime over the summer, and now features "Anything is Possible" on his left arm, "Just Believe" on his right arm, and what appears to be the And-1 mascot on his right arm and chest. Why a seven foot tall white boy from Bakersfield (a city that rivals Fresno for the title of "Ass Crack of California") feels like he's a more complete person with tattoos is something not even Freud could understand. For a guy whose two year career has been every bit as bad as that awful Fox show "The War at Home," someone should have told him that tattoos don't exactly make the basketball player. Though he has yet to turn 21 and has plenty of time to turn around his basketball career, he probably jumped the gun in the ink department.

In honor of Swift, we've taken the liberty of listing the top five athletes who should never get inked up:

5) Jackie Butler
I argued that JJ Redick should be in this spot, but he'll have to settle for an honorable mention. Tailor's logic won out: the guy is so fat, the skin would roll over the tattoo and distort it.

4) Earl Boykins
At 5'5" and 133 pounds, Boykins is so small that the only tattoo that could fit on his body is a dot. Maybe if he's lucky, someone would be able to scrunch in a smiley face on his back.

3) Adonal Foyle
Foyle is probably the least intimidating center to ever play the game. For a guy whose strength is poetry, how he racked up over 1,000 blocks in nine seasons is beyond us. Foyle is very active in the community, but it's a good thing he isn't active in a tattoo parlor in Oakland. There's absolutely no way a guy who gets more shots blocked by the rim per 48 minutes should ever have "CRU THIK" and "DYNASTY RAIDER" tattooed on his left arm.

As far as the poetry goes, this is too good an opportunity to pass up. Sink your teeth into this:

"We are smart.
Me want Doctors,
Professors,
Engineers,
Scientists,
Me want education man."

2) Mike Dunleavy Jr.
For a guy whose four-year NBA career has defined by the word "soft," this shouldn't be a big surprise. Throughout his career, Mike has been in the news a couple of times for little outbursts that tend to be funny because of their relative absurdity. In March 2005, Mike blew a gasket and got his ass ejected because of several questionable calls, and then took his jersey off and threw it in the stands as he left. In February 2006, Mike was once again in the news for going crazy, unloading a profanity-laced rant at a reporter in defense of teammate Mickael Pietrus.

In four years, there have been two "incidents." Displaying emotion has been a big first step for Mike, but a guy who amazes the world by getting slightly mad should never get a tattoo.

1) Adam Morrison
EA Sports would have you think Morrison is a tough guy whose intensity is unrivaled. Their ad campaign for NBA Live 07 -- a video game which is every bit as crappy as the commercials -- touts the guy as if he's the next Larry Bird.

He's not. At least not on the Bird scale of being a badass.

Morrison (and EA Sports, I suppose) can play it off like crying is a manly thing. But crying -- while your team STILL HAS A CHANCE TO WIN -- is about as manly as the salad and wine that my girlfriend-less apartment-mate just brought home from Safeway for dinner. The only way Morrison can shed the stigma of crying in the loss against UCLA is scoring a hundred points against the Pistons -- and finishing his three-digit effort by dunking and landing on the shoulders of Antonio McDyess. Anyway, this is a guy whose career will be marred by below average defense, non-existent rebounding ability, and well, he cries like a baby in crucial spots. Why the hell should he have tattoos?

Learn how to post, Savant

2006-10-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

The only thing more idiotic than Blogger's posting system is, well, me. A saved draft apparently turned into a post. Good thing there weren't any Paris Hilton-esque items I'm going to regret. I think.

So to continue an article I had scratched together, here goes.

Comparatively, American basketball has gone downhill.

We're not pessimists; we like to think we're realists about this kind of thing. This isn't a shocking revelation - it's the truth. America can no longer be considered the best at basketball. In fact, we've probably been passed over in terms of basketball writing. Hell, look at the atrocious formatting that Sager's Tailor used with his Media Day Awards post. There's probably a Spanish basketball blog out there called "Wearing Pau's Beard" that's much better than ours -- and actually knows the difference between "save draft" and "publish post."

Even South Koreans are better at highlights than we Americans are. Hell, just look at this video entitled "Lebron's block and DUNK!!!"

We're not sure what we like most. Maybe it's the "Oh, no sir!" after LeBron's block, maybe it's the unnecessary camera-shaking after King James finishes with a dunk on the other end, or maybe it's the description of the dunk being listed a "tomehoawk jam." Ah, I can't choose, but "Oh, no sir!" could be one heck of a catch phrase, am I right?

Media Day Awards

2006-10-03T17:21:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite times of year is media day because of all the random pictures taken. Caption this photo is always a fun game to play, but instead this year I'm going to give away awards to players based on a picture they had taken of them. This is the first annual DCSS Media Day Awards, and without further ado:

The whoops, I may have smoked too much crack award goes to:

Now I don't want to start any rumors, but when you look as big as Tim Thomas did during the playoffs, move to LA, then get this skinny - you're asking to get accused of crack usage.

The damn you're rich why do you look homeless award goes to:

Tayshaun gets a big contract extension but still can't afford to shave that peach fuzz or crack a smile. Well, I'll give him a pass on the smile cause he's having to pose with Nazr Mohammed and Dwyane Wade busted his ass, but the facial hair is inexcusable. And with all that money Tayshaun can't eat something to put some meat on his bones?

The you're not Eric Gagne award goes to:

Growing up in Houston, Rashard should know that growing your goatee like a goofy white pitcher doesn't fly. Not sure what's gotten into him in Seattle, but I'll pay whoever cuts that crap off.

The I gotta think more before I get a tattoo award goes to:

Not that it's a bad tattoo, but Jordan's going to look just ridiculous wearing number 5 all season while he has a tattoo of him wearing number 1. Thankfully for Jordan, if Smush plays like he did the last three games against Phoenix, the number will be opening real soon.

The Jesus Christ get some sleep award goes to:

Obviously, Marcus got himself so excited for media day that he couldn't get any sleep. Hopefully it was everything he hoped for so he can get some damn shuteye.

And the last award of the night, the Please put me in Pirates of the Carribean III award goes to:

Ronny Turiaf had some help from the good people at Clublakers. The original is a little different, but photoshop is a fantastic tool.

Your Team is Pretty Goddamned Lazy

2006-10-02T00:52:00.000-07:00

Players are required to report to their teams tomorrow morning for media day, and starting on October 3rd, teams that aren't on the European tour will begin practice sessions. Practices that will test the grit of rookies and veterans alike. Then there are teams like the Hornets and Wizards who don't really give a shit.

New Orleans and Washington are holding practices that are fluffier than the questions Jim Gray asks his lover Kobe Bryant after Kobe shoots 3/50 from the field. Both the Honets and Wizards are only practicing for three hours a day, which is pretty freakin' lazy, but only one of those two teams take home the "Joe Barry Caroll Lazy Ass Award."

Wizards coach Eddie Jordan is asking his team to show up for two hours in the morning and just one hour in the afternoon. That's barely even enough time to get loose. By the time the Wizards have completed warmups -- which we assume will be comprised of jumping jacks, butterfly stretches, arm circles, and a couple laps around the gym -- the two hour session will be nearly over. We can only imagine Gilbert Arenas completing his 50 jumping jacks before his teammates, then flaring his nostrils and flipping off Antawn Jamison as practice ends.

On the other side of the spectrum, the Clippers and Celtics actually plan to get their multi-millionaires in shape. Both are holding a three hour session in the morning, followed by a two hour session at 6 PM for a grand total of five hours.

If we were smart like Jason Gurney of Lowpost.net, we'd probably do some chart with all teams and their standard deviation practice time scores or some shit, but we hope you'll settle for a neat little list.

Daily practice time breakdown:
3 hours: Wizards, Hornets
3 hours, 30 minutes: Bobcats, Cavaliers, Nuggets, Bucks
4 hours: Hawks, Bulls, Mavericks, Pistons, Warriors, Lakers, Grizzlies, Heat, Timberwolves, Trailblazers, Kings, Spurs, Raptors, Jazz, 76ers.
4 hours, 30 minutes: Magic
5 hours: Celtics, Clippers

Unknown: Suns
Single session (unknown length): Indiana
Two sessions (unknown length): Sonics, Knicks, Rockets, Nets

Introducing Sager's Tailor

2006-09-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

As the second writer of this site, I'd like to say thanks for dropping by and introduce myself a bit.

I'm not going to beat around the bush - Sager is my hero. I love to make people laugh and nobody is better at making people laugh than Sager. What makes him great is that it comes so effortlessly. He makes people laugh for hours just by getting dressed. That's God-given talent right there.

First and foremost, it's important to point out that we have no association with Dictionary.com at all - though we should because they'll be getting lots of hits from people like me wondering what the hell donning means.

Secondly, if you're a hardcore Knicks fan and you hate reading about your team being made fun of, I'd never come back here again. Isaiah and company are an easy target and if you think we've got any sympathy for them just because they suck, you're wrong.

Thirdly, if you see a coach make a questionable move and wonder what the hell he's thinking, come here and we'll clear it up for you. Wonder why the hell Nelson is going to play Dunleavy as a power forward? That's easy, check out the names that are eligible to enter the 2007 NBA Draft. Starting Dunleavy at the 4 nearly ensures a top draft pick. And unlike 2002, it's a lot harder to end up with a dud like Dunleavy when you have a top 3 pick. So now when Adonal Foyle gets moved to shooting guard you'll know why.

And that's pretty much it. Our purpose is to entertain and look at the NBA through a different, more humorous view than regular blogs. If you want to laugh, come here, if you're feeling down and thinking about downing thirty-five pain killers like wannabe baller T.O, take two minutes to come here first and see if it doesn't change your mood. In fact, you don't even need a reason. Just come back often!

Oh, and just to clear things up, we should be candid about our stance on Rudy Gay. As long as he doesn't go nuts like Reggie Evans, we'll... probably... never make fun of Gay's last name. Rudy can't do anything about his last name being Gay. It's Gay and that's that. But we reserve the right to retract this statement if it's a slow week and Rudy puts his manjunk in someone's face during a dunk.

The School of Sager

2006-09-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Donning Craig Sager's Suit. Your guides, better known as Sager Savant and Sager's Tailor, will help you become more like a man we all strive to be: Mr. Craig Sager. Oh, and we also plan to talk shit about the NBA too.

Why Sager? Craig is a beacon for the NBA, and his guiding light has helped transform us into the basketball fans we are today. To be blunt, Sager is one of the most underrated names in the game, and most assuredly deserves a lot of credit for the fantastic work he has done for the game.

You really want to know why Sager? Okay, okay. After a Timberwolves playoff victory over the Lakers in 2003, Craig was wearing a bright yellow suit, and Kevin Garnett wasted no time in clowning on the guy. "We don't care what anybody says... we're just like your suit!" It wasn't Sager's mortified look that made us fans for life, it was the reaction of my brother, who laughed so hard from that post-game interview he threw up.

Again, thanks for stopping by, and as a reward for being such good sports, here's a video of a drunk Craig Sager about to down a Jaeger bomb with a bachelor party at [Dan] Majerle's Sports Grill in Phoenix. We're most impressed by Sager not because he's not wearing something ridiculous like a Hawaiian-themed suit, but that he renames the aforementioned drink "Sager bombs."

May the spirit of Craig Sager's Suits be with you.